First, let me put your mind at ease, if your husband has recently stopped having sex with you, it is unlikely he is cheating. When a man is unfaithful to his wife, he will want to be intimate more frequently to suppress his guilt. Second, I will send out a warning, speaking with your husband about your sexless marriage can actually backfire. When men are confronted on their sexual ability, they may withdraw from the marriage even further. When you question his sexuality, you are questioning his masculinity and his ability to live up to your expectations and you can end up damaging his pride. If you have brought up your concerns and he has shrugged it off or gotten angry, it is time to try a different approach.
You want to pinpoint the the problem behind his actions, or lack of actions. Once you pinpoint the problem, you can respond accordingly without pushing him further away. Also, a marriage starts to turn cold when you lose your closeness. Share your dreams and passions and laugh together and don’t forget to listen to him.
A man’s sex drive can be diminished with stress from work. If he is consumed in a big project or an upcoming promotion, it is easy for him to devote all his attention to his work and neglect you. Financial stress can also diminish a man’s sexual desire. He may feel like a failure for not being able to make ends meet and may feel unworthy of you.
If stress is the underlying factor, it is best to be understanding of his stress. Sympathize with him and be supportive.
If career or financial stress is what burdens him, try to lessen the stress at home. Pick up his extra chores around the house, find a way to cut expenses or bring more money into the home.
General depression can lessen his sex drive. Depression can stem from a recent failure, the loss of a loved one, or a family issue. It’s easy for a man to distance himself and not talk about his feelings and emotions when something is bothering him. Make sure you both keep the lines of communication open and are honest with each other. However, don’t pressure him to talk. Everyone handles depression in their own way; he may need space before he opens up to you about his feelings on the subject matter.
Again, be patient, sympathize with him and be supportive.
How to sympathize with your husband and be supportive of him:
When your husband is suffering through a difficult time it is essential to build up his self-worth. Helen Andelin, author of Fascinating Womanhood, tells us that we don’t need to understand our husband’s problems, but we need to understand his pain. We need to build his confidence, make him feel worthy, and not diminish or minimize his problems. Praise him for the man he is and the accomplishments he has made, refrain from saying, “Don’t worry” and don’t try to solve his problems for him unless he asks for your help.
If he has gained weight, he may feel insecure. If you have gained weight, he may find you unattractive. Once you become comfortable, it is easy to let yourself go; you stop caring for yourself the way you once did. Don’t become frumpy. Indulge in your feminine qualities.
Speaking of feminine qualities, this is not excluded to physical appearance. This also includes your gentle and tender nature. If you lose these qualities and become aggressive, controlling and independent of him you may make him feel threatened and thus, diminish his sexual desire. Men are attracted to women who need them and nurture them.
If weight gain is the issue, join a gym together and serve healthier meals. Work together in achieving a healthier lifestyle, you two will feel more connected by sharing a new activity and sharing the same goals. If you have lost site of your feminine qualities, embrace them. Wear prettier outfits, put on makeup, style your hair. If you have had sudden success in your career and think he may feel threatened by your independence of him, let him know you still need him. He has many qualities that you do need, whether it be fixing a broken down car, his financial and business sense, or opening a jar of pickles. Ask him for his help and his opinions so he knows that you appreciate what he has to offer to the relationship.
Also, a man is not attracted to an insecure woman. If you are insecure with your body, he will see this and it will turn him off. Men like confident women who are secure and have a strong self-image of themselves. If you fear this may be the case, work on your self-image, consult your friends and ask them for help.
If you have recently stated you want to have children, given him an ultimatum, or demanded anything more or different of the relationship he may feel overwhelmed, pressured and even resentment towards you. For more information on ultimatums and why they don’t work in a relationship, read my article, Ultimatums: Why They Don’t Work. Men can feel pressured to have children, especially if you want them and he doesn’t. Even if he would like to have children, there is always the worry that he might not be able to conceive.
Men may also feel pressure in the bedroom, pressure to preform and please you. Make sure you compliment him, admire his masculine body, and use caution when giving him constructive criticism. Never say, “No, don’t do that” or “That doesn’t feel good,” rather place your hand over his and guide him gently on where you want his hands and how to move them. A man’s ego can also take a huge blow if he knows he can’t please you. Did you fake it? Does he know you faked it? Here’s a new rule, don’t fake it. Discover together how you can reach an orgasm. I imagine he’ll be happy to help.
Men can feel threatened my aggressive behavior in the bedroom. Granted, men want an aggressive woman who initiates sex from time to time, it reassures him that she enjoys sex with him and boosts his ego. However, in an act of desperation, you may parade around in slinky lingerie and it may actually turn him off by being too aggressive if he has lost his sexual desire due to an underlying issue. This is why you need to discover the root of the problem before deciding on how to address the problem. Never forget that then man is the pursuer and the woman is the pursued.
It has been scientifically proven that with age, a woman’s sexual libido increases at the time a man’s decreases. Men hit their sexual peak between the ages of 15 to 20, while women hit their sexual peak between the ages of 35 to 40 (GeniusBeauty.com). It is important to understand this to be able to fulfill the sexual needs of your partner.
Medication can also have an affect on sex drive. Do some research and study the side effects of any medication your husband is taking.
There are a number of physical causes that a man might suffer from that can lead to a sexual dysfunction; diabetes, heart and vascular (blood vessel) disease, neurological disorders, hormonal imbalances, chronic diseases such as kidney or liver failure, and alcoholism and drug abuse (MedicineNet.com).
If you suspect that your husband may have a medical issue causing his lack of desire, use extreme caution if you decide to mention it to him. A man’s sexuality is how he defines himself as a man. If you suggest treatment to him he may see it as you undermining him as a man. You are risking his pride, his ego. Most men, especially if they are under the age of 60, are more likely to have psychological impotence rather than physical impotence (WebMD.com).
Living in a sexless marriage can be lonely and hurtful. If you have tried over and over to initiate sex or talk with your husband about your sexless marriage and been denied, it can tear apart at your self-worth. It’s time to discover the root of the problem and address it correctly, and trust me, there is a root to the problem. Don’t write this off as something that just happens or that romance fades with time. He is probably hurting just as much as you. He may feel a lack of love or respect from you, and doesn’t know how to deal with the situation by approaching you. Men withhold sex for a reason, just as women do.
Sex does not hold a marriage together; trust, love, understanding and friendship hold the marriage together. There can be intimacy without sex, and after all, that is what we as women crave, intimacy.