St. Paddy’s has always been my favorite holiday. What other holiday are you actually encouraged to drink? Plus, green is my favorite color.
One fine Saint Patrick’s Day, I headed in for some Guinness pancakes and whiskey for breakfast at the local saloon. It was the same day as the traditional parade that went through the downtown where I live.
I drank some green beers that day, since I’d always been intrigued by the novelty. It was just like drinking a regular Bud Light, except it looked green. Nothing special, but I ended up ingesting several by Saint Paddy’s Day’s end.
The next day I looked in the mirror and saw that my tongue was still green. I brushed my teeth again, and to my disgust, noticed that my teeth and now lips were also green! Not a forest or olive green, but more of a bright lime shade. My hazel eyes appeared to be transforming into full on light green irises, and my fingernails had taken an emerald hue.
I worked at a high-end men’s clothing store as a salesperson. What was I going to do? No one would buy a $1,000 suit from someone who was turning the shade of fresh summer grass!
I hopped into the shower, hoping to scrub some of the green off of me. As I removed my robe, I realized that it was worse than I ever could have imagined! Every inch of me was chartreuse. Scrubbing wasn’t doing anything. By the time I got out of the shower I was the hue of a granny smith apple.
I went to work, hoping it was all a hallucination and no one else would notice, like in “Black Swan,” where all that crazy stuff happens, but it’s really all in her head. When I arrived, my co-worker Sam said, “Did you fall into a vat of lime Jell-O?”
“Oh no, it is real,” I mumbled, not able to make eye contact.
“Dude, seriously. You feelin’ okay?” Sam touched my shoulder as he said this and I jumped.
“Uh, yea, I feel okay. But maybe I should take a day off and figure out what’s going on. See ya,” I said and walked out before he could respond.
On my way home I pushed my sleeves up a bit to check the status of my skin. It was growing into a darker shade of green. I started driving toward the bar where I drank the green beer to see if anyone else had this problem on Saint Paddy’s.
To my horror, my local saloon was gone. Not burned to the ground, not surrounded by fence and bulldozed, not replaced by a McDonald’s – disappeared. I called my friend that bartended there. The phone was disconnected.
“What is happening?” I began to doubt my sanity.
Something in me told me this all happened for a reason. Apparently it was my destiny to become a representative for Lucky Charms. Or audition for the part of Elphaba in “Wicked.”
I followed a rainbow that mysteriously appeared and ended up at a house painted gold. The front door burst open as I got out of my car in the driveway. A little man with red hair dressed in an immaculate suit and top hat in the shade of pure green clover ran toward me saying, “It’s true!”
I tensed as he ran around me, lifting my suit coat to inspect the color of my skin. “It’s true!” He repeated and then said, “Please, please, come inside. I might have some corned beef and cabbage you can snack on.”
For some reason I felt compelled and followed the leprechaun inside. He bustled around getting the food set out for me to eat. “Can you please tell me what is happening to me?” I asked, finally.
“Well,” he said as he set a plate in front of me, “every Saint Patrick’s Day there becomes a Chosen One. Someone who is the best at what they do and comes to our world to help us.”
“Where is your world?”
“Just at the end of the rainbow. You’ll be selling suits to all of us there!”
“What are you talking about?” I began to feel dizzy and the more food I ate, the more my suit felt loose around my body.
I suddenly had a feeling like Alice falling down the rabbit’s hole, and looked around to see a whole new world. In reality, it was the same world, but now I was the size of the leprechaun. I was swimming in my suit and somehow I felt amazing.
The leprechaun appeared with an Armani suit that was just my new size. I put it on and wanted to dance, I felt so good. He took my hand and said, “Now, let’s go to work.”
We arrived at a glorious paradise that housed a myriad of suits in every fabric and color imaginable. “I wonder if this is where Craig Sager buys his suits?” I questioned silently.
But as my first customer walked in, a purple-skinned beauty, shopping for her gremlin father, I realized that this was a world for only the small and very different. And it was exactly where I belonged. Where it’s always Saint Paddy’s Day, there’s never a shortage of corned beef and cabbage, and there’s green beer on tap.