I like movie titles, in that I have the attention span of a gnat, and they usually make me think of something else entirely. Does anyone remember “They shoot horses don’t they?” Whilst I was sitting on an airplane headed home to Dallas I had an epiphany. You should be required by law to medicate any child under the age of 8 that is flying. The screaming baby express I was on had 4 very unhappy and expressive children on it and one infant that was apparently the ring leader. (I won’t say what airline it was but it was an AMERICAN one) It (the infant not sure if it was male or female so it is appropriate and should in my mind be inoffensive) began crying pre-boarding and except for a brief intermission during which I think it was suckling something didn’t stop crying but for that one brief beautiful moment. But with Its strength renewed by some sorry excuse for sustenance it starting crying again. This was apparently the signal for the toddlers in front of me to go into whiney bitchy fit throwing mode, sprinkled with intermittent crying, when there parents started pathetically lofting veiled threats of what was going to happen to them when they got of the plane. If I knew I was in deep S%&t when I got off the plane I’d probably cry too.
In order to have the privilege for this front row seat to the WWE baby cage match I got to stand in a mile long line. While carrying my belt, shoes, cell phone, laptop, and dignity, for about 30 minutes. While a guy that had to be killing people in the Sudan less than a month ago, judged whether or not I was safe enough to get on a plane, without going through the big machine that shows everyone your weenie and may give you cancer. Or if I could just be allowed the privilege of going through the metal detector, and having my stuff rifled through. That honor also came with a woman, who only 150lbs ago should have been getting removed from her house, through her torn down bedroom, and hoisted by a crane on The Jerry Springer show. Is he still alive? I know Montel got busted for Pot paraphernalia recently but haven’t heard anything about Jerry Springer or Phil Donahue either for that matter. The only thing that was missing from this scene was barbed wire and Wagner playing over loud speakers. Come on I can barely find a pair of underwear or shoes that are comfortable so the likelihood that I’d light either on fire is not going to be an option for me. 1. I’m way too lazy. 2. I’m more into my own comfort now days than any political movement.
I really like kid’s hell several of the people I feel I have the most in common with are between the ages of 8-17. I’m often told that is because mentally I’m a twelve year old boy which I consider a compliment. I just like children when they are cognizant not only of themselves, but of the rules they must obey when on confined spaces with other people at 50,000 feet above the earth. It’s part of the social contract we all enter into when we enter a public space and doubly so for confined public space that are tube shaped and have the acoustical properties of the Met. If they aren’t able to recognize this they should be knocked out (pharmaceutically) for the duration of the flight. People do it to dogs and cats all the time on long road trips and they are usually better behaved than a toddler even when they are not medicated.
I hate the fact that we now live in a time and place where you are made to feel like cattle at an airport and any semblance of “rights” or dignity for that matter are stripped away by some idiotic government minions that believe it will help them get re-elected if they put what the laughingly refer to as “security measures” in place. I had what had to be a 90 year old woman ahead of me, in a wheelchair, and she had on her Christmas sweater that had about 1000 pins on it. It, of course, was a pull over sweater and they wanted her to get out of her wheelchair (not gonna happen) and take off her sweater and no one needs to see that. Come on morons even with my untrained eye I can tell she’s not a terrorist, and even if she was what hell is she going to do try and light a prune?
We have to stop these imbeciles in Washington from turning us into herds of beast at airports. And have them focus on the real dangers facing us in air travel today. Screaming babies.