For those who are partner-free (not that there is anything wrong with that) hands down the worst holiday out of the year has got to be Valentines Day!
Christmas is bad enough but you survived. Then, the hope that comes with the New Year (despite not having anyone to kiss at midnight, but let’s just move on and forget about that) is soon met with such an onslaught of media messages about true love and of course the product(s) or service(s) one should give or receive as an adequate expression of said love that even the most indepedent and happy solo traveler through Life is shaken to the very core with the undeniable and sobering realization:.
Everyone needs love or at least the illusion of it.
It’s a solemn day of mourning for singles who avoid restaurants and stay at home instead eating Lean Cuisine, crying over some stupid Hugh Grant chick flick and finishing off the night with a chocolatey threesome with their two favorites -Ben and Jerry!
I think we should all wear black. Or maybe that’s just me.
This celebratory day weaves its sinister magic, casting it’s spell of collective forgetting and confuses everyone, bringing out the worst in human behavior. Those in relationships (even those who are not happy) seem to wear self congratulatory smiles.(that you want to slap right off) while you forget for a moment you are actually glad you are single! And to voice any hint of disbelief in this so called holiday is like announcing you are an atheist or admitting you have hit your children in anger (really, when else would you?!).
Hey, I’m not bitter! I just think that the worst holiday deserves some of the worst gifts! And just in case you need a few suggestions for the WorstValentine’s Day gift to give your boyfriend, consider these
– a GPS to find your G spot (is there an app for that?) Okay, maybe this is a good one!
– with a matching house arrest ankle bracelet (so he can’t sneak off and use it with anyone else).
– a penis extension kit,
– herpes, so he will never forget you
– inviting him and his best friend to join you on The Maury Show.
For a French boyfriend here in rural nowhere south of France I would probably be wrapping him up
– a bar of soap and deodorant (matching scents of course),
– a maternity girdle
– a tooth whitening kit, or maybe even some actual teeth,
– a lifetime membership to Alcoholics Anonymous (oh wait one would have to actually admit there is a drinking problem here) or maybe……..
– go all out and give him a nice new young sheep so he will be distracted afor a while and I can get some rest.
But then again I don’t have a boyfriend! (I know! It surprises me too!) so instead I will buy myself the usual present- twice the amount of Valentine’s Day chocolates the day after for half the price!
Oh well, there is always next year!