I’ve been a dad for a little more than 20 months now, and as a good dad, when my daughter wants to watch a show, well, we watch what she wants because as much as I want to see what I want, I don’t want to see crying(I get more than enough of that with her Mom). Now there are exceptions to the rule, like Eagles football games and when my Temple Owls are playing, but outside of that, she pretty much gets her way as I’m doing my best for the TV to give her the learning I can’t(I try but the TV is so much easier and I’m tired after work). With that said, here is a guide to the new parents out there of the five most annoying characters you can expect to learn about on probably the biggest kids show of all-time, Sesame Street.
5 – Ernie’s best friend, Bert – forget all of the rumors about Bert & Ernie being gay, there is no way Bert could ever get an Ernie. Ernie is a free spirit, and Bert likes pigeons and paper clips, not exactly the kind who would be sexually compatible, unless Ernie was an Alpha Top and Bert was an Alpha Bottom and we probably don’t want to find out why Bert likes pigeons so much. Bert is one of the biggest Buzzkills of all time, the Chief of the Fun Police. Every time Ernie comes up with some idiot idea or game, Bert instantly shoots it down and frankly it’s a little disturbing. Bert has never had fun on his own, and he should be making Ernie breakfast in bed for even hanging out with him, giving Bert another chance to seduce Ernie, although in real life Ernie would probably get more girls than “The Situation” from Jersey Shore.
4 – Elmo’s friend Zoe – honestly I don’t really know what Zoe does but sit around and be annoying. Maybe its the tutu she is always wearing, or maybe its just because she loves to dance and that’s it, Zoe has a knack for getting on my bad side. The only endearing thing about Zoe is that thankfully Sesame Street was smart enough to not give her a segment of her own, as thankfully I DVR the show for my daughter, and would be able to skip the segment a lot quicker. The only thing worse than Zoe getting her own segment, would be if she shared it with Prairie Dawn. At that point, I would petition for the show to start killing off characters and have them die in a toaster in the bathtub kind of accident(having a killer on Sesame Street would be a little extreme), and they could teach children about not being stupid, as we don’t live in Africa, so our Sesame Street doesn’t teach us about bad things like HIV/AIDS(which I am not opposed to, I think it would be good for kids to learn about bad things that exist as life ain’t all rainbows and sunshine ya know).
3 – Elmo – I know you’re probably thinking how is one of Sesame Street’s most popular characters annoying? Having watched Elmo for almost a year , I could write a doctoral disertation on why Elmo is. Elmo is a self centered, pompous ass who only cares about Elmo and getting Elmo’s way. Every song Elmo sings uses the Jingle Bells theme song and repeats the same word over and over to make it slightly less annoying than Willow Smith’s Whip My Hair. The other thing that makes Elmo uber annoying is Elmo refers to Elmo in third person all the time (which is why Gabe (me, if you forgot my name, the handsome face on the front of the page) has been using Elmo instead of words like him, because that is how Gabe rolls).
Elmo has so many annoying habits, but I will give Elmo credit for two things I find mildly amusing. When Elmo talks to Dorothy his pet goldfish(which I’ve never seen him feed, would seem like borderline pet neglect, but maybe he does, dunno?), I like how Dorothy imagines Elmo as different things such as a worm, a dog, a bird, etc., I just like how they Elmoize different things, occasionally it makes me giggle(see, I’m not a total grinch, gimme some credit people). The only other thing I like that Elmo does, is when he asks kids a question, while that in itself is annoying, at the end he always asks a baby the same question. Having a youngin myself, when I ask her a question like Elmo would, I get a similar blank stare answer, which again I find mildly amusing.
2 – Abby Cadabby – ah, where to begin with Abby? Let me “Twinkle Think” about it. Abby brings absolutely zero to the table here, and for someone on an educational show, her part is about as educational as watching two male rhinos at a zoo fight over the rock they’re trying to have sex with. Equally annoying are her loser friends on Abby’s Flying Fairy School, Gonnigan & Blagh, who if were more popular would also be on this list, but I figured having Abby would be enough(I had to look up their names as I can barely understand them when they talk). At first when the segment would come on, I would let my daughter see it, but now if I’m near a remote, I hit the skip button as fast as Ben Roethlisberger making his way to a college bar in the offseason(or a Donal Logue show getting cancelled if you prefer a more obscure reference). Abby’s segment is not only un-edumacational (which is how my daughter would talk if she kept watching her garbage segment), but gives kids an unreal sense of reality as using magic to fix things doesn’t really work unless you have an Easy Button, and you’re on a Staples commercial. Abby’s segment should really be replaced by pretty much anything that Cookie Monster would want to do, as how does Abby get the star treatment, and Cookie Monster is left snorting cookies out of a brown paper bag(I also hate the fact they’re trying to get Cookie Monster to only eat cookies as a “sometimes” food. Seriously, his name is Cookie Monster, the man should eat cookies till he has anal fissures and his doctor tells him he “might” want to consider eating something else. Do you think monsters are really worried about their cholesterol? Kids shouldn’t either till they get some fur where they didn’t use to have fur, as it’s the parents job to get their kids active, trust me, it’s not as hard as you think, and I’m superlazy, but we get our little one to, so really anyone can. Man I went off on a tangent didn’t I?)
And the award for the most annoying character on Sesame Street goes to…….
1 – Baby Bear – the single most annoying character on any kid’s show I have ever seen. Maybe it’s the lisp, maybe it’s his incessant need to be the center of attention, maybe it’s his love of the single gayest super hero of all-time, Supo Hewo Guy (as he lisps it), like a muscular masseuse asking me if I want a happy ending, Baby Bear rubs me the wrong way. I hate Baby Bear so much, I want to somehow figure out a way to be a villain and destroy Super Hero Guy just so I can see Baby Bear cry his wussy bear tears into his porridge. Another thing that bugs me about Baby Bear, is his best friend is Telly who I kinda like (he’s a worry wort like me, hence his jokes get me, and when he dressed up like Mr. T in the A-Team episode I had a new found respect for him), and Baby Bear brings Telly down like a fat man in a hot air balloon. Baby Bear turns every segment he’s in, into a steaming pile of bear crap with his ultra annoying personality and I am begging and pleading with people to start some sort of Facebook campaign to get him removed permanently from the show.
Hopefully this article might be able to help some of you new parents on what to look out for when you’re watching Sesame Street, and if nothing else will make you feel less alone if you have the same feelings about these characters that I do. Now I realize there is no way that most of these characters will ever leave the show, as Elmo alone makes more money than some third world countries with all of the trash they’ll put his face or name on, but maybe they can reduce their roles on the show and make it better for us parents to watch too. Don’t get me wrong, my daughter frequently prefers The Wiggles to Sesame Street anyways, but it would be hard to write an article about the five most annoying Wiggles, since they’re are only four remaining anyways(although I prefer Greg to Sam). So in conclusion, Sesame Street does a lot for the kids of today, but if I have to watch it too, can the Children’s Television Network help a father out and get rid of some of these polished turds.
P.S. Grover is even more awesome then ever this year, if that’s possible thank god he got his own occasional segment, long overdue if I may say so.