If you went to bed after “Watch What Happens Live” on Sunday night, you thought you were only missing a 30 minute preview of the upcoming “The Real Housewives of Miami,” and who cared? The show was premiering on Tuesday, right? Oh no, friends. Bravo pulled one over on us and the show bowed on Sunday night, with Tuesday now being an encore performance. Confused? So was my DVR.
I used to live in Miami, so the show is a bit of a nostalgia trip for me. Sun-soaked days. The flash. The trash. Ah, memories.
True to form, the first episode introduces us to the well-heeled Housewives of South Florida (the unofficial name of Miami) and much like their Beverly Hills counterparts, these ladies appear to have money to burn, though, it’s early, so there’s still time for a foreclosure, bankruptcy or eviction.
First up is den mother, native Texan Lea Black, married to superstar attorney, Roy Black who got an acquittal for William Kennedy Smith back in 1991. Lea, as it turns out, was a juror at that trial and they started dating months later. She deems herself a collector of people (Rapper Rick Ross, singer Natalie Cole and Dennis Rodman among them.) Lea’s the Jill Zarin/Caroline Manzo/Lisa VanderPump of this clan, meant to dispense sage wisdom and cluck over the gaggle of Housewives. Mostly though, it seems like she just wants to get everyone drunk.
As I hail from Chicago, I was pleasantly surprised to see former Chicago Bull Scottie Pippen pop up in a Zen yoga pose alongside his wife, Larsa Pippen. Larsa runs herself ragged taking care of Scottie, traipsing after her four kids and cooking all day long. But of course there’s still time to go shopping, be poolside with a drink and look cute. She is married to Scottie Pippen after all – it’s a requirement.
The role of Drama Queen will be played by Adriana Sidi, an art dealer with a young son and fiancé she seems to forget she has. Adriana pegs her distrust of men to her first husband, who had another wife (albeit a common-law wife) while married to her. She’s not sure when her wedding will be, but in the meantime, if she wants to be sandwiched between two hotties at Da Club or take some male models for a little late night dinner, so what?
Our second NBA wife, Cristy Rice, is actually ex-wife to retired NBA Star, Glen Rice (late of the Miami Heat, Los Angeles Lakers, New York Knicks, et. al.) Cristy’s a little on the feisty/snarky side, though her psychic predicts this is her year to find someone stable, which is more than can be said for the psychic’s sidekick who topples off the couch during a drunken toast.
PR powerhouse, Marysol Patton can’t keep her days straight, but her nights are well taken care of by her younger boyfriend, hottie-pattotie Frenchman, Philippe. Marysol consults her mother, who gets “vibes” about people about the relationship, but mom’s more concerned about how freaky a Frenchman can get in the boudoir. Line of the night? “I’m not a Victorian lady,” she drawled over a monster glass of red wine in what I hope was the middle of the day on a Tuesday, which would really make her my hero.
Rounding out our little sextet is magazine publisher and self-proclaimed Cuban Barbie, Alexia Echevarria. But, as Alexia informs us, we never heard a peep out of Barbie, so we don’t know how smart or dumb she was. Bets on how much Alexia will be talking this season to show us how smart she is. Alexia’s married to an older man and has two sons, 13-year old, Frankie and 17-year old, Peter. Poor Peter will be a therapist’s wet dream one day, as Alexia has declared the introvert “will need [her] forever.” Alexia, please review last night’s “Desperate Housewives,” where Lynette was horrified to discover she’d raised two slobs who can’t do anything for themselves but empty out kegs and TP houses.
This being Miami, the Housewives have to party and Miami Fashion Week was the first soiree of the night. Adriana, Cristy and Larsa want to be sure no one steals their front row seats and arrive hours before the show. Adriana’s unimpressed with the show until the male models come out carrying their crown jewels. After the show, Adriana decides she can work the runway better than those tired female models and struts up and down the catwalk for no one to see but Cristy and Larsa. Cristy can’t see the allure, thinking her 8-year old daughter and her giggly friends would find that more fun. Later, the ladies hit up an after-club and while single gals Cristy and Adriana (she thinks she’s single, anyway) are ready to tear it up, married gal Larsa is ready to hit the hay. But is Larsa really happy at home? The scroungy club guy who hit on her asked her if she was happy in her marriage. Larsa responded “yes” with as much enthusiasm as if she just told you she’d bought a pack of sponges. More to come?
Lea throws a cooking party for the ladies, which is code for get drunk and gossip. Nervous Nellie Marysol is terrified Cristy will lose her manicure to the mandolin. She’s afraid to fall off a horse and snap her neck. Oh, dear.
This season on “The Real Housewives of Miami,” will Marysol get married? Will Cristy crash the party? Is Larsa stable?