At the beginning of every year, I always say this year is going to be the year of Gabe, and every year, I’ve monumentally failed. Having just turned 33, I was supposed to be super rich and famous by now, instead, I’ve mostly settled for just smart, handsome, and funny. I also thought I would have a supermodel wife by now, who would cater to my every need, and in return, I would make her laugh, and disappoint her on a nightly basis(at least one of us would be having a good time, I can live with that). However, I do have a beautiful wife I’ve been married to for five and a half years now, and have a great little girl who just turned 20 months old. Normally, I post my new year’s resolution on my Facebook profile, but this year Yahoo! wanted someone to share their New Year’s resolutions with the world, and being that I am an attention whore, I couldn’t pass this opportunity up, so here goes nothing.
My first resolution for 2011 is to make an anti-nagging machine for my wife. I love my wife very much, but some days she can nag me more than a hungry dog staring at a bag of Beggin’ Strips. I would say I’d like to make my wife a custom muzzle, but that’s probably just as cruel as using duct tape, and eventually she’d probably gnaw her way through it, and be extra angry for giving her duct tape breath. My main goal is to teach my wife to find a better way to deal with stress, and subsequently, not take things out on me, as even though it’s my job as her husband to be her punching bag, some days I don’t like having an Everlast tattoo on my forehead. Either that, or I’ll learn how to better nag her, as a successful marriage is learning how to properly annoy one another just enough that going on the Marriage Ref shows how much you do truly love each other (possible side resolution there).
My second resolution is to win another eating contest this year. Now I’m no Joey Chestnut or Takeru Kobayashi, but every time I walk into a room of about 100 people, I am either the best, or second best eater in that room(if this isn’t something to hang your hat on, I don’t know what is, almost as impressive as a man being in a room with the best 70’s pornstache and instantly getting the nickname Holmes). After having competed in hot dog and hamburger eating contests in previous years, last year, I broke through and won a pizza eating contest at a Wilmington Blue Rocks game. This was one of my proudest moments, as before with the hot dog and hamburger contests, I had never finished better than second place(the only thing second place usually gives you is indigestion, and a case of the meat sweats), but actually winning and getting all of the glory felt right, and I wouldn’t mind getting it again(I told you, I am an attention whore, and I need people to realize I smell of awesome). Short of getting $10 for getting second prize at a beauty contest in a game of Monopoly, I have never really done well in contests, as I just don’t have that much skill. Sure I can juggle, but outside of that, my only discernible skill is that I’m good at MS Excel (well, that and diarrhea poems, but most people above 13 don’t count that as an actual skill, although I have come up with some real classics).
My third resolution is to brainwash my daughter even more this year to become as big of a Philadelphia sports fan as her Daddy. A good parent should be able to properly brainwash their children into liking the same sports teams as them, and I am Philly born and bred. So before anyone gets on my case for liking Philadelphia, I like the HOME team (I just happen to live in the Philly area) as I am supposed to, this is how sports work. So for all of the fraud Dallas Cowboys fans who live in New Jersey or California, if you aren’t from Dallas or currently living in that Texas area, your favorite team should be the local team, plain and simple. Before you start your ridiculous argument, let me give you mine. Let’s say everyone in San Diego were Cowboy fans, and no one liked the Chargers(with Norv Turner I can understand that, but still). Well, if no one likes the home team, and only went to games when the Cowboys were playing them, San Diego would not have a team. Again, this is how sports work: if you don’t support the team, you won’t have a team, and this is what I am trying to teach my daughter. I am mostly trying to have someone to watch my Eagles with me on Sundays, and since I didn’t have a son(which I was hoping for, but like a little person at Six Flags trying to get on a good roller coaster, I came up a little short) I am hoping my daughter will share my love of football, and especially my Eagles, even with her lack of boy parts.
My fourth resolution is to hopefully get a new job. Sadly last year, I became a member of the unemployed for several weeks, but then was hired as a “consultant” and have been at my current place ever since. I like the people there and my boss is a rock star, but I don’t get any vacation or sick time, or other benefits even some of the workers at Walmart get(thankfully i have my Sugar Mama who helps out with that). Hopefully they will lift the hiring freeze they have and I can be hired full time(as this would count as getting a new job) but for now, their checks don’t bounce, and we’re still living the middle class dream so outside of my side gig here on the Yahoo! Contributor Network, I really can’t complain(at least not to the level of my wife, where if complaining ever became an Olympic event, we could proudly display her medals in our living room right next to our Ketubah, as I think there is a line item in it mentioning dealing with a Jewish Wife’s complaining, it’s written mostly in Hebrew so I’m not positive, more a hypothesis from being a non-practicing Jew myself).
My fifth resolution is to write a book, as being that I am a published writer now, maybe I can take it to the next level. If Nicole Richie or Paris Hilton can write a book with barely a high school education, really can’t anybody then (although I presume they had someone “helping” them right said books)? In this day and age of the internet, being an English major is no longer a prerequisite to writing a book, or in my case writing articles, as I was always more of a math guy, and of course getting by on being debonair(I sometimes like using big words to seem smarter), which if you ever saw how I dressed up, probably not the most accurate word to describe me(I’m mostly a jersey wearing guy, as on weekends that’s how I roll, but if that ever comes into style, people will be consulting me like I’m a gay fashionista). I’ve always wanted to write a book for several reasons, first off, the fame that can sometimes come with it. Sometimes it seems to me the only thing you need to do to be on one of those panel shows like Meet the Press or Real Time with Bill Maher is have a book out, it give you instant “expert” status on being a person. Secondly, I always associated writing books with easy money. You write one of two books per year, and you can earn a six or seven figure salary, which being someone of my laziness, would work out well for me, as I’ll never have J.K. Rowling kind of ideas or money, but I always dreamed of having a blog they turned into a movie or TV show, something like S%#t Gabe Says(c’mon Fox or ABC, we can make this happen to compete with Shatner, I know it’s not an original idea, but if Paula Abdul’s Live to Dance isn’t a total knockoff of So You Think You Can Dance, or even America’s Best Dance Crew (with her former Idol Panelist Randy Jackson), what’s the big deal? CBS is even billing it as a new breakthrough show like it’s never been done before. WOW! CBS executives must need to walk around with MC Hammer pants on with cojones that size to try and pull that off. Man I really went off on a tangent didn’t I? Oops, back to my resolutions now.). The third reason I wanted to write a book is actually, never mind, I only had two, but usually you need three reasons in a list, just wanted to make it sound better.
My sixth resolution is to go to a championship parade, like I did back in 2008 for the first time in my life(here in the Philly area we had a 25 year Championship drought which I know isn’t as bad as Cleveland or Seattle, cities with at least three major teams, or at least had three, sorry about the Sonics, Seattle). I realize I have little or no control over this one, as much as I yell. “Go team!”(or more accurately “Hey Ref, you’re missing a heck of a game!”), unless I have a bat in my hand or a helmet on my head, rooting really hard can only take you so far to win said championship(but getting to be obnoxious is usually just a side benefit, I almost feel like laser pointer guy at a movie theater but can usually come through with a George Costanza like joke “That’s gotta hurt!” that gets the people giggling and hence on my side). I also want my daughter to experience the joys of a championship parade, as she was only in utero when it happened before, and in the famous words of Gorilla Monsoon, “Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.” My main goal as her Daddy is to do whatever I can to keep her safe and to give her as many smiles as I can, and if I get to use a mid-80’s wrestling announcing analogies while doing it, more power to me(Thanks Humanoids).
So these are my resolutions for 2011, big enough to just be attainable, not dumb enough to think I can hit the lottery or keeping the outside dream alive of going on Survivor(I dream a Survivor producer actually reads this and thinks, this is the guy we need to get on the show, he could be the next Rupert minus the beard or pirate like attitude, that in a nutshell is me). So whether 2011 is actually the year of Gabe or not, in the famous words of Joe Dirt, I’m gonna, “Keep on, keepin’ on!” and be the best darn Gabe I can be. Before I go, if I do write a book, and you found this article even mildly amusing, feel free to help a brotha out, I’ll even sign it for you as I can’t give my autograph out fast enough(I told you I was an attention whore, asking for my autograph would be my drug of choice). So have a great 2011, and hopefully this isn’t the last you’ll be hearing from this guy, but if it is, the pleasure has been all yours as I told you, 2011 is the year of GABE!!!