We have all been to those “house-warming things right? You know where we pretend to be happy for a friend or relative who purchased a new home nicer than yours. This party falls in the same category as home-movies do. If you have never seen a home movie, you are not missing a thing.
A home warming is not a fire. It is an extremely boring event where most folks would rather eat a glass shard sandwich than go to one. On top of boredom, you must bring the folks with the new home a gift, because they are too broke from buying the home. This stuff is an adult passage just to experience so you can say that indeed you had a “near-death experience.”
Well this particular-warming” party was the scene of a crime. Several couples were invited to the Smith party to share in the delight of this new house. There is always someone who will be at a party of this nature or another, who will never get there fat-butt off the couch. We will call this human “dust-cover” Mr. Jones. Jones loved to be waited on. It did not matter what kind of food was being served, as long as Jones was waited on he’d eat it. It was rumored once Jones was prank-ed by a party host into eating a covered “Wiffel Ball” covered with chocolate sauce. Jones was told it was one of those new “circular donuts.” You had to be there.
Sitting next to Jones was Sally Do Right. She was known to only say “please and thank you.” She left her purse for a moment while excusing herself to go to the bathroom. That bathroom trip cost her her purse, along with about an hour of time. Everyone was fearful she lost an intestine in the john, so no one asked about her whereabouts.
Jones the affixed statue had to leave the couch because someone mentioned there was some” Barb-qued” pizza outside with corn syrup on it. He was gone about an hour as he searched hard for that delicacy without any luck.
In that time Jones was looking for free food, some new neighbors were invited and were insane enough to show up. Several male neighbors with there wives took turns sitting on the couch where Jones sat. There was Jon who had no teeth. There was Bob whose whole face was covered with a Panda tattoo, and Mike a recent parolee who was a chronic jay-walker.
Finally, Sally Do-Right appeared out of the bathroom without her purse. She was frantic and exclaimed, “I just lost my purse, some-one stole it, it was left on the couch!”
Who would do this. The tattoo face? The parolee, the toothless man? None of these folks. A real “who done it.”
Well luckily this writer was there. No one wanted to call the cops, but it did appear that Sally was ripped off. This writer gathered everyone who could stand in the center of the room. “Ah hah, I said.” I knew who did it without a thought. Not DNA, not face reading or stress analysis, but the I think new study of “Butt-Prints.”
The couch where the purse was stolen from was leather. The kind of expensive crap that when you sit on this type of furniture long, it will practically seal a photo of a butt on it. Many thought it has to be the guy with the tattoo-face. Some thought the parolee. Others thought the toothless man who sat there needed some money for a dentist.
No one was right again was correct about those three. It was Jones! He sat there the longest, and he had a history of sitting in the same spot. No one else could sit in that butt print where Jones had sat. Jones was 300 pounds of lazy. Any one else who tried to sit in Jones’s spot almost fell through the the cushion. That couch had Jones’s butt prints all over it!
There was opportunity, and motive. Secretly Jones hated Ms. Do-Right and simply wanted to prank her. The purse was returned after an interrogation by Ms. Do-Right which brought Jones to tears.
Never judge a “book by its cover,” but you may indeed get to judge by a butt and its prints. Thank you.