I am not a New Year’s resolution maker, so coming up with New Year’s resolutions is difficult for me. I don’t drink. I don’t smoke. I don’t do drugs. I don’t crave chocolate. And I have no annoying habits (please don’t verify that with anybody who knows me). As you can see, I’m nearly perfect.
Oh, wait, I do have one craving – BBQ sauce, especial when it comes slathered on BBQ chicken wings and BBQ ribs. (Excuse me while I attempt to stop salivating.)
So maybe I’m not perfect after all. Darn. I’m going to have to rethink my whole life now, but OK, I think I can come up with some New Year’s resolutions. And here they are:
My Top 10 Funny New Year’s Resolutions
10. I resolve to give up BBQ sauce. It’s too fattening anyway. But wait, doesn’t Sweet Baby Ray’s make a low-fat BBQ sauce? Not yet? This resolution making process is already more difficult than I thought it would be. No wonder I never made any New Year’s resolutions before. But onward I press.
9. I resolve to change my mind about giving up BBQ sauce if the craving gets so strong I find myself sucking BBQ sauce out of the bottle. Phew! Resolutions with a backup plan aren’t so bad after all.
8. As a writer, I resolve to write every day, even if it’s my own name over and over and over again.
7. I resolve to check myself into an insane asylum if anybody catches me writing my name over and over and over again.
6. I resolve to become a little more understanding of closed-minded, irritating individuals who are so rude and act with so much stupidity I would like to put them on their own planet. The list includes everybody who doesn’t agree with me about everything I believe. (Read 23 Pet Peeves About Rude People for a better understanding of what kinds of people I consider to be rude and stupid.)
5. I resolve to increase my tolerance of stupid people (though I refuse to tolerate rude people), even if it requires me to alter my definition of stupidity.
WOW! Really? I’m only on New Year’s resolution #5? Who thought of this ridiculous concept? Even wikipedia doesn’t know.
4. I resolve to eat only healthy foods, though I may have to contact the Food and Drug Administration to ask them to include BBQ sauce as one of the required foods. Maybe they would agree to place it at the top of the food pyramid!
3. I resolve to become a vegetarian – IF I can find a fantastic-tasting substitute for BBQ chicken wings and BBQ ribs. (Can New Year’s resolutions come with “if” clauses?)
2. I resolve to renew my vow as a Catholic. I’m a little upset with them right now for the way they have handled certain issues, but they will serve me well for Resolution #1.
1. As a Catholic, I resolve to give up my New Year’s Resolutions for Lent.
Well, I guess New Year’s Resolutions aren’t so bad after all – at least for Catholics. I might try this again next year.
P.S. While this article originally started as a Yahoo/Associated Content assignment, by the time I finished writing, the assignment was gone, so I decided to post it anyway.