I left self employment at the beginning of 2010 with amounting debts that i could not afford to pay off, some of the debts were from the business and some were from drinking and gambling. I was in pursuit of self pleasure and looking in all the wrong places, my lifestyle was self destructive and wasteful. I tried to change throughout my life but always returned to my old ways. But here I was 28 years old in a new job working as a chef in a hotel and renting a new flat.
Things were going fairly well in some respects, from the outside my life looked OK, I had a new job, just started renting a new flat, I was looking forward to the future, but all the time there was a shadow of debt hanging over me which would not go away. There wouldn’t be five minutes where I did not think of my financial problems, their consequences, and what I should do to solve them. I only realized just how bad things had got when someone at work asked me why I never talked, I hadn’t really thought about it. I guess I didn’t notice a silence in the room, because in my head there was a rolling monologue of paranoid conversations with myself worrying about if I’ll get visits by the debt collectors, or will I have to go bankrupt, how will I go bankrupt, how else can i solve these problems etc, etc…. My thought cycle was constant and repetitive to the point where I couldn’t sleep. It felt like I had mentally sunk inside my own head and I was looking out through a small window, as if somehow the outside world was closing itself off to me. Things got worse as i thought more and more every day until one morning I found myself walking around my local neighborhood when i should have been at work, I was having suicidal thoughts and was contemplating acting on them. I had blown all my problems out of proportion and could not see a solution, i remember thinking to myself that i would never be free of debt, i had nothing to look forward to in my life and there was only one way out.
This is the point i decided to get help, so visited a local surgery and they put me in touch with a mental health crisis team who helped me to figure out firstly what my problems were and then how to solve them and make life more bearable for myself. I ended up quitting my job, moving back to my parents for the summer and also filed for bankruptcy. After moving to my parents I started a course of Prozac and done nothing but lay on my bed sleeping and thinking all day every day until finally after two very long weeks the Prozac finally kicked in. I debated whether to take the course of Prozac at first but knew in my mind I needed help and any risks associated with the side effects were worth the risk for the sake of my mental health. At this point I then began exercising regularly such as cycling and going for walks, i even gave up alcohol and smoking. I felt mentally numb on Prozac, there was no problem anymore, I wasn’t obsessively cycling my thoughts as before instead I was almost zoned out and I liked it. after several months I felt more healthy than i had ever felt before and began to enjoy doing healthier things on my own that didn’t cost money such as sea fishing and walking along the beach.
By the end of the summer I was feeling allot better in myself, looking forward to the future and not dwelling on life’s problems, but I felt different, could it have been the Prozac that made me feel like I didn’t care about things i used to care about. I felt like a different person in a bad way, in fact I remember standing in front of the mirror examining my face and not recognizing myself. I didn’t feel that my body belonged to me, it even suddenly felt strange to question the very existence of life. I could not stop thinking about how strange existence actually is, was life really real or simulated like the matrix, what are we all doing here on earth, it seemed pointless, I had lost my feelings of depression, anxiety, worries and cares of this world but now instead didn’t feel I belonged to the world at all, I didn’t even feel comfortable living in a human body. I decided at the end of the Summer to give up the Prozac as I wasn’t depressed anymore and had started a new chef job. I was also kind of hoping these strange feelings would then subside but in reality they became stronger. I have found myself fascinated by physics and science, trying to understand the world we live in. I have this new undying urge to question the physical reality we live in and spend hours on-line researching and debating situations in my head such as if there is a 5th dimension, what is the human soul and what was I doing for the millions of years that I never existed before I was born.
I wonder to myself whether it was the Prozac or the depression that changed my perception of life, maybe i just needed something more enjoyable to focus my mental energy on. I do feel at some level that depression must be related to a healing process or mental changing process. Depression is a result of a problem from the outside world affecting an individual that the individual cannot solve. In some situations the individual would normally change something in the outside world to solve the problem but if the outside world cannot change then the individual may have to go through a painful changing process within them-self. I think many areas of depression relate to this such as the loss of a loved one, the individual has to go through the changing process of letting this person go in their heart and mind. It has been exactly a year since my depression began and look back to myself a year ago and see a weaker person then, someone with a destructive harmful lifestyle, with no interests in life. I would also like to add that if anyone is reading this due to themselves being depressed, i would urge you to see your doctor and get some help, depression is an illness the same as any other.