American Idol judges have auditioned thousands of hopeful singers in Austin Texas last year, and this week, we will see what kinds of stars were discovered.
As far as predictions go, that was the easy part. But I think I have a handle on what will happen; perhaps, if you are the AI fan I think you are, you will agree with me (another easy prediction).
First thing we’ll see, after several wide screen crowd shots of thousands of attendees crammed into either a a) street, b) auditorium or c)stadium, the judges will be shown strolling in from their limousines. Two will show more or less humility, and one (Steven Tyler) will display some enthusiastic whooping or make a face at the camera.
Once things settle down we will watch a background biography of some guy or gal at home on the farm/apartment, or playing with his/her little brother/sister/pet/guitar. The suggested mystery will cause a new viewer of American Idol to wonder if this contestant will be a bomb or a boomer but do not fear; MillerWrites is here to prognosticate this dilemma away. The singer will do a great job and blow the judges away! (They don’t spend a lot of their background videotaping on the singing fails. These videos are an investment in a singer expected to move on for at least a little while, and if they do go on for a long time, expect to see this early footage again and again and again.)
Now get ready for a short burst of laughables. This is my own word (Spell check didn’t even recognize it!) for those who show up to audition with either a tin ear, no ear or a belly full of beer. They will either be sincerely deluded about their skill, simply hoping to get a good laugh and a spot (think ‘blue man’ or ‘toothbrush man’) on the broadcast, or they are almost good enough singers, but with endemic character flaws leading to an on-camera reaction that will get them labeled and immortalized across the country.
Then a few more singers with amazing and unique voices will come out. The judges will bicker with each other a little bit, form alliances with and against each other; change teams and bicker some more. All three judges will make sincere observations about singing skill, looks, personality issues and overall American Idol win ability.
Next there will be a great singer who also has a compelling personal story. We will want them to pass on to Hollywood, if only because she a) is a lovely single Mom b) loves her Grandmother/disabled brother/dying pet or c) has overcome a terrible tragedy/illness. Just sayin’. Once we later discover that this person can’t perform under pressure, is very rude to his group partners, or can only really sing one song well, we will forget all about the great compassion and well wishing worked into our hearts this week. Wow. I am now predicting weeks into the future!
Now it’s time for another group of laughables and a short montage of mad folks half crying on their mother’s shoulders, and half flipping the bird at us, the innocent viewers! Yes, behind that little blue American Idol oval is a raised middle finger. If nothing else, I can predict that much correctly.
The judges will now marvel at a) the various whackos they have to put up with for mere millions b) the large number of excellent/crappy auditioners Austin has presented or c) how marvelous the Coke Zero tastes tonight!
After a few more astounding singers and dreadful intoners we will be treated to hearing the very last contestant who (coincidentally) will not only be a magnificent singer, but will have the most compelling of stories, complete with a background video log and maybe a critical (as in importantly relevant) family member/friend waiting in the hall with Ryan Seacrest. They will be ushered into the hallowed judges chamber for hugs all around and we will want to crown this person the winner right now!
And there you have it. If you choose not to watch the show because I have given you this high falutin’ lowdown, and you perceive that you have thereby saved a few hours of your life, I am sure you will not be loathe to send me a check equivalent to 2 or 3 times your typical hourly rate, for the 2 or 3 hours of your life I’ve saved you! I will soon be checking my mail to see if I truly am the American Idol seer you think I am.