(Late 2010. Not exactly America’s best day. Or week. Or month. Okay, year. Okay, …)
I guess it was about 8:30 in the morning when I finally forced myself out of bed. I padded toward the shower, tapping the TV along the route. Fourteen car commercials later, the news blared back on. President Firefly was just wrapping his fourth speech of the day.
“I have just brokered a deal to sell American cars to South Korea, since we all know how Asians line up by the millions, clamoring to buy those heavy, clumsy, inefficient, Union-ruined junk-buckets that are turned out in Detroit using other people’s money. And lo, I saw this deal, and it was good. We know this to be true, because I said it. This will save or create 130 million jobs. Pulling this off was not easy; that’s why I had to do it, instead of letting you humans handle it. You’re welcome. Now: rise, my people.”
The television blinked and auto-cranked the volume knob. Six car dealers yelled at me about selling me a car for less than they paid for it, and then the volume re-regulated and we were back for the political “response” to the “Korean deal” from the “other side of the aisle.” A tall, air-brushed orange-ish man with sad, weeping eyes adjusted his dark, presumptive, soon-to-be-Leader suit. He focused his gaze, for some reason, on someone off-camera, and then spoke.
“I have always been on record as being firmly on the record. Make no mistake. At the end of the day, I support exactly those things which the American people think they know I thought they asked me to think about supporting. Cause when the rubber hits the road, you can ask a horse to get you a drink, but you can’t change streams in the middle of the game. And, as I’ve always said, you can take that to the bank.”
I had now been awake for some seven minutes, so I knew what was coming next.
“This is a FoxNews Alert. WickedLeaks founder, the evil calculating Trentino, has announced the existence of another new secret file. Trentino has threatened, if he’s ever captured, to release this new file’s secret password to his evil spies, Chico and Harpo. According to insiders, this file contains understandably guarded American embassy transcripts, as well as the secret recipe from Kentucky Fried Chicken.
“White House sources pooh-poohed the announcement, scoffing that America can’t let itself be afraid of one guy who plunked down $35 for a website domain name, or one seditious military Private who shrugged off all his oaths of allegiance and then managed to dance right out of the Pentagon with a quarter of a million classified documents that, if made public, could spell the end of multi-national civilization as we know it.”
Two car dealers announced the absolute last chance for me to buy this year’s cars at $10,000 below dealer invoice, have my pets spayed or neutered, and get free dental care for life.
Channel-surfing for a bit, I landed on MSNBC, quoting Vice President Joe Biden as saying that he sees no reason to get all bunged up about Iran having access to patty-cake uranium. At a quickly ginned-up news conference, that puppy-eyed, air-brushed “aisle” guy and eighteen other potential 2012 Presidential candidates pointed out that it’s “yellow-cake” uranium, and collectively observed that the Vice President may need to get an MRI, possibly once or twice a week. The Vice President’s response was, let’s say, intimate.
Since America apparently had no more of those pesky border security problems, President Slurpee sent the US Attorney General overseas to try and land the 2022 World Cup. Presumptive Air-Brush called this an “interesting tactic,” saying, “Oh, yeah. Let’s send America’s chief Law Enforcement Officer to dicker about concessions and stadium parking.” The White House pointed out that this bold, brilliant move would save or create 230 million jobs.
Vice President Biden pointed out that the Attorney General had to handle the delicate World Cup negotiations; after all, NASA was busy mentoring group hug therapy sessions on the Muslim street.
Meanwhile, seven minutes passed.
“This is a FoxNews Alert. WickedLeaks has announced the existence of something they call an “insurance” document, which they threaten to release if the website’s Google Ads ranking drops below a favorable quintile. According to insiders, this cache contains the European Union’s personal PIN, two genies, and an extremely irritated leprechaun.”
Since unemployment was solved and America was so flush with cash, President Class Warfare called down to the First Garage, had Air Force One gassed up, stocked the First Snackbar, and then flew off on a surprise visit to Absurdistan. He had planned to meet with Absurdi President Humid Karseat, but Karseat had to cancel after he hurt his leg after tripping over a large suitcase full of his brother’s opium money.
The White House confirmed that our President would be on the ground in Absurdistan for a grand total of 3 hours. The Pentagon confirmed that it costs approximately $150,000 per hour to operate Air Force One (plus snacks). And a Google / Rand McNally search confirmed that it’s a 25-hour round trip from Washington to Absurdistan and back. That’s 3.7 million taxpayer dollars to pony up for, as a hauntingly familiar (and equally intelligent) TV show once put it, a “three hour tour.”
Vice President Biden pointed out that this bold, brilliant move saved or created 3.7 million dollars in additional debt. The air-brush guy swept away a tear, pointed out that a 3-hour Skype call would have cost only $2.16, and further noted that seven minutes had expired.
“This is a FoxNews Alert. WickedLeaks has leaked that they are holding secret documents they are calling a “poison pill,” and threaten to release the documents if anyone visits their website and then clicks their browser’s “Back” button. According to insiders, the documents contain Absurdistan’s patty-cake launch codes and pictures of various Congressional house-pets, all caught in compromising positions.”
Geraldo Rivera pointed out that the actual cost to operate Air Force One is more like $181 thousand per hour. The Pentagon haughtily sniffed, pointing out that it was well aware of the cost, but in the spirit of the holidays, the defense agency was giving the fact-strapped Administration a frequent liar discount.
Two car dealers, each dressed in X-mas red, both claimed to be the car dealer whose deep discounts most respectfully celebrated the birth of X. They then challenged each other to a duel, promising one free floor mat to the first twenty customers who notified the loser’s next of kin. Both dealers invited customers to take advantage of their “family tree” plan, which deferred all payments until the birth of descendants 3-5 generations down the line.
In a C-SPAN tape roll, I overheard the outgoing leader of the lame duck Congress, reviewing the lame things going on there on the Hill: “Okay, let’s see. We voted that we all like Joe Paterno, and we let Rangel babble on for a while about how unfair life is. Now, there was something … something else we were supposed to … something that w … oh yeah! The economy!”
MSNBC reported an impressive breakthrough, a real “drain the swamp” victory: in a broad show of bipartisanship, Vice President Biden held a secret, closed-door tax cut meeting with a few select Democrats. White House sources claimed the meeting saved or created 330 million jobs. I listened for, oddly, just under seven minutes.
“This is a FoxNews Alert. WickedLeaks has confirmed that it hides a vast number of really, really top-secret documents they are calling The Doomsday Files. The web-based cyber-giant threaten to release the dastardly, double-naught spy documents if anyone outbids them on that first edition Beatles album collection at eBay. According to insiders, the Doomsday Files contain a trojan-activated bit of nanotechnology, a microscopic assassin that would trigger an unprecedented, immediate, world-wide Botox expiration, causing Nancy Pelosi’s entire face to fall off.”
Congress, forgetting what it forgot that it just forgot, decided to debate more serious matters: whether rule-breaker Charlie Rangel should get a simple public raspberry, a more censorious group noogie, or the full monty: be restricted, for a full weekend, to basic cable (taxpayer-funded basic cable, of course).
Three car dealers all claimed to be the Number One Sales Dealer in our spiral galaxy, and invited everyone down to enjoy a complimentary breakfast and four-year college education, plus a free Senator for everyone with approved credit.
The Charlie Rangel dress-down had barely begun, when news came out that Rangel, who just got busted for ethics violations, might now be guilty of ethics violations concerning the way he paid his ethics violations lawyers, who were defending him against ethics violations.
Following the wicked WickedLeaks leaks, the White House ordered a full review of security procedures, prompting several dozen more Republicans to announce their 2012 Presidential aspirations. Once they complete this timely security review, the White House plans to launch an investigation into rumors of a Rebel army forming in Charleston, South Carolina, and then try to get confirmation that the Beatles may be disbanding.
And speaking of doomsday …
One local car dealer announced that they’re having Truck Month. Another announced their Year-End Sale. And all of it – the month, and the year, and the end-of-the-year – they all begin AND end this weekend.
I’m going back to bed. It’s too much, too confusing. Is this that Mayan calendar that’s supposed to kill everybody?