Why do women think it is a threat when they say “Well, I just won’t talk to you then”?
On no NOT THAT!!! Please tell me about how you can run the company better than your boss, how your mother really never appreciated you, how you would love to see Sex in The City Two, because Sex in The City One, was just so darn good.
OH! If you don’t TALK to me, I won’t get to discuss the latest Danielle Steele book, hear how we should get a double snuggie, hear that I have been drinking a lot lately, about how that dripping faucet won’t fix itself, in fact your dad, with just a pair of tweezers, duct tape and two pieces of gum would have fixed that faucet weeks ago plus added a new addition onto the house, but that might have taken an extra piece of gum , but then again it is obvious he cares for his little girl and I would rather sit and watch the Yankees on TV.
I am lost. A soul wandering in a forest of silence. I am misery personified until I hear you sweet voice once again. How can I go on knowing I will miss the latest developments on The Young and The Stupid, might have to make myself a real steak instead of fruit and carrot sticks, and maybe, just maybe wear the same shirt three days in a row, without your fashion advice. And you won’t advise me to get an ear ring as I might look cute in one and maybe I should get a tattoo of a heart with our names in it, and I am thinking, sure I might set fire to my hair too, but that ain’t going to happen either.
I am CRUSHED. NOT TALK TO ME about your brother who is a success and started two companies by the time he was 12 and I was just learning to wave bye-bye or about your other brother who runs marathons and the only place I run to is the bathroom after too many beers. You mean I can’t hear about your cousin who builds homes for the poor, gives half his paycheck to the church and is sending his kids to Harvard, while I am sending my kidneys into shock every evening.
NOT TALK TO ME? How will I be able to stand it? I can’t hear about how we should really consider moving in together, how you hope no one at the party notices your chipped fingernail, how that hair dresser messed up the highlights in your hair and you can’t believe you EVEN tipped her, how your mother is coming over to dinner and she doesn’t think I am funny or cute and how you hate it when I tell your Catholic Mother – “Jesus walks into a hotel and puts some nails on the counter and says, ‘Can you put me up for the night’. And I can keep the other joke about the nun and rabbi to myself next time.
My Heart is BREAKING – you are not going to TALK to me about your sister who can walk into any bar and instantly find the biggest loser there and take him home and you don’t think it is funny when I say, “Hey. We all need at least one hobby”. Would it be funnier if I say, “Hey that is one more homeless guy off the streets? “
Are your INSANE Woman? Not TALK TO ME? Oh no, I can’t hear about how beer is not a balanced diet, how some people clean out their refrigerators every decade and how we should redecorate the kitchen and we need a better mattress and do you think we will make good parents and who needs a BIG dog, that Chihuahuas are very cute and you might get one and carry it around all day, and I say you could also carry a German Shepard around all day, but it might get a bit heavy. I know – I am not cute or funny.
What will I do all evening if YOU DON’T TALK TO ME? I will be too broken hearted to watch the football game in peace, way too broken hearted to drink Bourbon alone, and God Forbid, my eyes will be so filled with tears, I will miss that Victoria’s Secret special.
But maybe, just maybe I will get by.
Look you really want to upset a man. All you need to say is “My mother is moving in.”