I found it harder and harder to control my excitement as I sat here, next to the person I trusted the most. Maybe things would get all better from now.
“You’re doing it all wrong, Ash.”
“You want to be slapped?” she responded.
“Sure,” I returned, looking at her, “if you could survive this!” I began tickling her and she fought back, laughing. Yes reparations would be easy and I was so fully affirmed in love at first sight. I felt a little better about my life now. Still, I haven’t really talked to her for so long and I didn’t know what to say. Oh well, all that mattered right now was that I was with her.
“But David, seriously,” Ashley began to say after quite a while of working, “why are you in this class now? Why are you held back all of a sudden?”
“Is it bad to miss you?”
“Well… I…” she looked at me, like curious little kitten. A pretty little kitten with gem-like green eyes. “Doing so much school stuffs wasn’t cutting anything. I wasn’t doing too well with my grades and I just couldn’t handle that much pressure and all and my family and stuff and it’s true, I so missed time with you. Now I have you in some of my classes.”
She smiled, saying, “I don’t know if that’s a good thing.”
“You better be joking, lady.”
We finished the lab quickly and the rest of the day slowly began to present itself.
The days went by quickly but nothing had really improved. Too many things were under the midst of confusion, like things happened but I couldn’t sort out whether they were good or bad. Well, it wasn’t really like lots of things were happening… I just felt so insecure, especially on the subject of my relationship with Ashley.
So I scribbled away, being in my 3rd period art class, thinking again and again of how it all used to be. I was fading away, along with the minute hand on the clock, and along with the colorful loops embedded on my poster paper. My hands continued its preoccupation without purpose, without feelings. My head just laid itself on the desk, almost dead. Oh Ashley, what happened to us.
She was never really in a mood to talk anymore, and hung out with really weird people. I felt as if she was trying to avoid me. And I was beginning to get suspicious of her friend Blake. I don’t know, but everything just felt so wrong. It was not like what it used to be and I feared that it would never be that way again. Maybe I was too stuck on the past, but even without the comparison, one could surely sense the disintegration of the love we once held together.
I kept scribbling even when the bell rang. I felt dead. Loud noises passed by me like they were being garbled up by a jammed tape recorder. Then, as usual, people began to walk out, as if there was a fire. I sighed and began to pack up. As I zipped up my backpack, I sensed someone walking up to my desk.
“David, is something bothering you?”
I looked up to see Mrs. Beauvoire’s empathetic and sincere face. Her worried look made it hard for me to suppress the truth. I quickly answered, “No, I’m fine. Um.. Why do you ask, Mrs. B?”
“Well, for the past couple of days, you’ve been dosing off in class and your art has been.. well… you know…”
I was speechless. It was so darn true. “Yeah, I know,” I shrugged, “but it’s been a really long week. I’ll get better, Mrs. B, I promise.”
“Okay, otherwise, you’re getting held back again,” she joked.
With a smile and a polite adieu, I walked out of the room. Ah, fourth period: lunch. A break from dull classes always excited my nerves a bit and it was always a good thing to get substance for my stomach. But more than food (since I was like a self-conscious girl on diet when it came to food), it was just a great time to chill out with friends, friends like Ashley. I don’t know why but I always imagined thousands of these great conversations with her and stuff but recently, our chemistry has been spiraling down, worse than that one roller coaster…
In the distance, a few feet away from the cafeteria building, I spotted Ashley, her beautiful brunette hair dancing with the wind. I could only see the back of her, but there was no doubt about it. I walked fast toward her, almost running even. Then I stopped as I saw that Blake guy grab her around her waist and they slowly began kissing. To make sure I wasn’t hallucinating, I turned to look at other kids eating and talking and walking, and then turned my head back towards Ashley. Unfortunately, this scene wasn’t a dream. I felt my heart sink. Deeper than the Titanic and deeper than the place where angelfish dwelled. I… you… Ashley…
I felt myself burning as I watched them making out. The backpack seemed to get heavier by the minute but it was a burden lighter than the sadness in my heart. But also, somewhere deep inside, there was hatred bouncing up and down to escape its confinement. It forced me to look away and walk in the opposite direction of them. I didn’t know where I was going but I didn’t freaking care. Suddenly, my life had hit an ebb. Crap, it did not feel so good.
So I guess this is God’s way of saying that I shouldn’t have got held back for a girl. I didn’t understand. How could she have thrown away all our good times and confessions for a guy like that? Didn’t she even feel guilty at all? And all this time, she’s never said anything about it. I’d rather have liked to have seen that moment after she dumped than to have seen it in complete confusion. Gah, what the hell was the matter here?
I walked into the school library and even I didn’t know why I did so. I found a seat quickly and laid my head on the hard wood table. My fist was clenched and my eyes were teary. I tried to hold back the tears but the power of emotions came like a flood and I could picture the table getting lubricated as each moment passed. I don’t think I have ever cried like I did now. I had been lied to, cheated on, and squeezed until there was no more juice left in me. I had sacrificed so much for that girl and she returned it to me by demolishing everything that we had.
I was feeling so homicidal right now. If someone gave me a doll of Blake I wouldn’t hesitate to shred it to million pieces. I sighed and wondered how I’d get through the rest of the day.