For years women have been told to stay home at night, to never walk somewhere alone, and to carry mace in their purses in order to avoid being raped. The truth, however, is that this advice typically doesn’t work. Further, it punishes women for the fact that some men are rapists. Expecting women to stay indoors at night is unreasonable and sexist, and can lead to victim blaming if a woman does get raped. So what’s a parent to do who wants to protect their daughter from sexual assault? It’s important that you talk to your daughter about rape in an age appropriate way at all stages in her life so that, as an adult, she can keep herself safe and access resources if she needs them. Here’s how to talk to your daughter about rape and help her protect herself:
Don’t Use Scare Tactics
Many scholars theorize that part of the reason that rape is so common is that it keeps women afraid and subservient. Though you may be tempted to scare your daughter into never leaving the house, doing so only contributes to the problem. Instead, talk to her rationally and calmly about the risks of sexual assault and violence.
Don’t Focus On Stranger Danger
The overwhelming majority of women who are raped are raped by someone they know. In fact, the overwhelming majority of all violent crimes are committed by someone known to the victim, so focusing on keeping your daughter safe when alone at night is the wrong approach. Instead, help your daughter learn how to choose friends and boyfriends wisely, and encourage her to travel in groups with her friends, particularly at parties.
Encourage Her to Fight Back
Your daughter needs to know that she has every right to say no to sex, even if she has previously had sex with the person to whom she is saying no. Encourage your daughter to say, “no” firmly and clearly, and to fight back if someone tries to force her by yelling for help.
Don’t Blame Victims
Victim blaming statements are statements like, “she shouldn’t have been out with him” or, “she shouldn’t have worn that dress.” These statements imply that, if a woman had made different decisions she would not have been raped and that the rape is therefore the fault of the victim. Don’t make these sorts of statements around your daughter. They not only teach her that rape is the fault of women and not men, but they make it less likely that she will lean on you if she ever is sexually assaulted.
Encourage Her to Trust Her Instincts
Your daughter should feel comfortable listening to the voice inside her head that tells her something is not right, even if she’s not sure what that something is. You should offer to always pick her up, under any circumstances, no questions asked, if she is feeling afraid and threatened. Moreover, given that most sexual assaults are committed by someone the victim knows, listen to your daughter if she tells you she feels uneasy around a friend or relative.
Encourage Confidence and Independence
Women who are confident in their own abilities are more likely to listen to the inner voice that tells them they’re in danger and are less likely to risk their safety in an attempt to follow the crowd. Encourage your daughter to vociferously express her opinions and reward her confidence and independence. Doing so may help her make safer decisions and will make it more likely that she feels comfortable fighting back if she is ever in danger.
There is no surefire recipe to prevent your daughter from being raped, but ensuring that she is aware, confident, and prepared for dangerous situations can help. Perhaps most importantly, make it clear to your daughter that you are available to her if she is ever sexually assaulted and foster open communication so that she knows she can lean on you.
Sources:
Yes Means Yes
