How to proscrastinate. Whoops, that is not how you spell procastinatee. Better look it up. That should waste a good ten minutes.
Anyway, I am a busy man. I have term papers to grade, a manuscript I promised to my agent a month ago, two or three speeches for CEOs which need to be written this week and I am once again reminded of that famous line by Douglas Adams, “I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.”
But have I accomplished anything this week except buying one of those blue tabs you stick in your toilet tank and then watching the water turn blue when I flushed the toilet? The answer is no. But it was fun watching the water turn blue.
I did consider grading the term papers, but the writing of the average college student tends to depress me and it takes at least two quarts or Vodka and tons of Bloody Mary mix to get through all the term papers.
The American college student has perfected what I call immigrant prose, one short choppy sentence after another. They all write in a perpetual monotone. But I have at least five more days to turn in final grades, so I will go to the Dollar Store.
My daughter always knows when I have clients who wanted that speech yesterday, because I go to the Dollar Store a lot. Otherwise known as Procrastination Heaven. Remember those blue tablets I got for my toilet. Yep three for a dollar. I bought five pairs of reading glasses, three snow globe Santas, three bottles of shampoo, four birthday cards, two dart pistols and a partridge in a pear tree, all for no apparent reason than I was procrastinating. But if you are on my list you will either get a snow globe or a bottle of shampoo. Maybe some blue toilet tabs. Act SURPRISED!
Another way I procrastinate is to go to the liquor store. And I do the same thing every time. I look at the Scotches and say -“Maybe I should start drinking Scotch.” But the price scares me off. Then I move to the Canadian Whiskeys and think that I should start drinking Canadian Whisky, but I am an American and that would be disloyal to America and all the corn farmers who need my support to make bourbon. So I drift over to the Bourbon section and spend a good ten minutes looking at the bourbons, as if I didn’t have the whole section memorized and then I always end up buying the same brand anyway. Now that whole scenario represents procrastination at its best! And I can do this three or four times a week when I have a big project due.
My agent always knows I am procrastinating because I simply avoid her phone calls, then she calls my daughter who tells her that I am at the Dollar Store. Which tends to piss off my daughter and my agent, who both think they must monitor my life.
But this was a good week for procrastinating as I attended two Christmas parties, one for doctors and one for lawyers and I will tell you all about them tomorrow. Or maybe the next day. All I can say Erma was right, never accept a drink from a urologist. And being cornered by a drunken female proctologist is a bit strange. Of course I had to ask if she ever got a little behind in her work.
Well, look at that. It is almost time for Jay Leno and I have successfully wasted the day. I think I will ignore my phone which is ringing. I am a busy man and must go watch that blue water in my toilet. How do they do it? It has to be one of the technological wonders of the 21st Century.
Are you busy for lunch? Good. I will call you. If not tomorrow, the next day.
Procrastinating? Oh not me! Didn’t I tell you I was a busy man.