Like many other people, I fall in and out of exercise regimens, all usually beginning around January 1st. However, whenever I get the urge to make a New Year’s Resolution, I ALWAYS start by making consciously healthy choices. Yes, it may seem overly fanatical to deny myself that second cheeseburger, but I remind myself that I’m suffering for a good cause. There is a worldwide shortage of perfectly toned abs, and I’m working hard to do my part.
Sleep: Getting the proper amounts of sleep is essential for any workout program, and I find eight hours to be optimal for me. I have to be careful not to oversleep, because often, that’s just as bad as not enough sleep. Admittedly, my curfew is much earlier than Cinderella’s, but apparently she didn’t need her beauty sleep…
Stretching: After a typically peaceful night’s sleep, the first thing I do is stretch. Stretching helps alleviate those aches and pains that one often gets from exercise. And it gives me a chance to show off my soon-to-be-sculpted rear. Sadly, my wife only appreciates the end result.
Fuel: Before I hit the gym to be accosted by the reality of my increasing age, I love to start my day off with a fruit smoothie. I blend a few frozen bananas with some raspberries and a splash of orange juice for some quick, yet delicious carbs.
Warm-up: Apparently, sitting in your car with the heater running doesn’t count for this step, and I have to actually get out of my car and walk into the gym. Here, I am greeted by a yoga instructor who somehow reminds me of Wonder Woman. This thought only reminds me of my age, I break into a cold sweat, and my warm-up is complete.
The Dumbbells: After glancing forlornly at the attractive twentysomething on the stair-master, I approach the dumbbell rack. It is here that self-preservation kicks in. Instead of permanently injuring any part of my anatomy, I summon all the self-confidence I have left after three children, and lift the 5 pound weight.
The Treadmill: Even I, with all my optimism, and have come to realize that I have the dreaded “Man Boobs”. For those of you who missed physics in high school, apparently Man Boobs + Treadmill = “Hilarious Video of Old Man at Gym”. Look it up on YouTube. Trust me, it’s still there…
Cool-down: This is the step where I begin to realize that perhaps cleaning out the garage would’ve been a better resolution for this year. I wipe the sweat from my brow, and treat myself to a well-deserved steak. And potatoes. And ice cream.