It has come to our attention, in recent months, that Happy Meal toys cause childhood obesity. Children are addicted to Happy Meals because their diminutive brains are hooked on the idea of receiving a complimentary toy with each meal. If we replace this destructive trifle (really, an adulterant of sorts) with a useful item that promotes childhood development we can cure childhood obesity. Once toys have been permanently replaced children will no longer crave fast-food, but will learn to enjoy it in moderation. After much thought, here are some viable toy replacements:
Bald Eagle Feathers
A real bald eagle feather inside each Happy Meal would engender a sense of patriotism in our children that is currently absent due to the erosion of traditional American values. Many children hate America. This is because the shows they watch, nowadays, like “Dora The Explorer” and “Maya & Miguel” are sympathetic toward the beliefs and ideals of illegals, militant homosexuals, secular socialists and liberal wastrels. A bald eagle feather would help restore traditional American virtues.
Needle and Thimble
My grandmother started sewing at age 6. And she was working in a factory by the age of 11. Part of being a productive member of society is cultivating an industrious work ethic, and a needle and thimble along with some string would provide children with an intuitive lesson plan as well as a gateway into the textile arts.
We live in a Christian nation where God is omnipresent. Whether you are religious or not, everyone needs to know the word of God for when the End Times come. Instead of putting the biblical verse in a cookie (and cheapening the effect), it would be ideal to place the verse on reproducible relics like: a splinted part of the cross that Jesus was crucified on, the holy nails that were pounded into his flesh, the shroud of Turin, pieces of the crown of Thomas (although this might work better for Burger King), etc.
Our military struggles to recruit new cadets. Even though children are impetuous creatures, they are also very impressionable, educating them at an early age about the valor and rewards of a military career would drastically increase recruitment over time. In addition to the military brochure, bullet shells or bullet casings can be included to drive the point home to the young male demographic (essentially, the bullet shells would let children know, that like in their video games, they get to kill insurgents, drug lords, despots, and Arabs.