Most of us have received the sort of e-mail I’m going to refer to here. Often the Subject lines of them read simply, “Funny,” often the genre delivered is a list, and often the immediate reaction is to hit the Delete key. Sometimes aggressively. The aggressive deletion generally follows unfunny items put together in a list incompetently. Simply making a consistent list is not like working for NASA. Mess it up – delete. It’s the funny e-mail equivalent of misspelling a former employer’s city on your CV.
However, some allegedly funny e-mails actually are humorous. These tend not to be lists of male or female faults, the faults of either the Democrats or Republicans, or the faults of [fill in the ethnic or racial group you tend to look askance at – and you know you have one – don’t lie]. Such rare comic e-mails tend not to be about the quaint customs of people who live in different regions of the country although some of those photos of “redneck” weddings and interior decorating are fairly amusing.
No, the best funny lists almost always have a sexual component linked to something else, and therefore, they become problematic for “family friendly” spaces like the Yahoo! Let’s give one of them a shot, though. Let’s see what can be safely shared from the list e-mail a relative sent me recently; it’s called “New Golf Terms.”
First, we’ll have to get rid of those female celebrity items that involve decorating the golf term “hole.” This is a shame because the “Paris Hilton” and the “Brazilian” were actually acceptably funny.
However, the terms derived from celebrity or other tragedies or those related to our “enemies” are perfectly fine since, in America, we’ve always considered death and gore more acceptable than sex. Thus, these new golf usages for your employment once the snow has melted:
The Princess Grace will mean “I should have used a driver.”
The Princess Di? “Shouldn’t have used a driver.”
A Sonny Bono will indicate “a shot directly into the trees.”
The Saddam Hussein will be that shot well-known to duffers – “a ball that flies from bunker to bunker.”
A Ted Kennedy is “a shot that goes into the water and jumps out” – clearly a matter of making linguistic lemonade from lemons.
And the Rodney King and the JFK, Jr. will be, respectively, “a shot that’s been over-clubbed,” and “one that didn’t quite make it over the water.”
Additionally, a couple of sexual allusions from this e-mail should be allowed: The Rock Hudson will be “a putt that looks straight but isn’t,” and a Pee Wee Herman will describe “a shot involving too much wrist.” The Rush Limbaugh and Nancy Pelosi, obviously, will indicate shots too far right or left.
Despite dumping three items from this e-mail as both unfunny and nebulously offensive, this missive rates a “not bad”…but, additionally, challenges us to do better! Therefore, add the following terms:
The Barack Obama will be “a tournament leader who questions his club selection as contenders close in.”
A Lady Gaga is “that guy who always wears clothes that Rodney Dangerfield wore in Caddyshack.“
Naturally, what could a Julian Assange be but “that PIA who told everybody you kicked the ball out of the rough into the fairway”?
And finally – of course, an Osama bin Laden is “a ball hopelessly lost in a ravine.”
You are hereby metaphorically challenged. Include your additions in the comments.
Source: An e-mail from an anonymous relative of the author, a relative who is afraid of Assange’s cyber-avengers.