I am a list maker. Not just a list maker, but the kind of list maker that has a whole year’s planner color coded. I’ll do this several times a year,because something major always changes, and, to be completely honest, there is something about the actual doing of the thing that brings me comfort.
The experts tell me I’m crazy, and I’m pretty sure I’m not quite all there, but I’m absolutely certain the “experts” are not nearly as knowledgable as they would like to think they are. Even though we all know that no two individuals are alike, but people can generally be lumped into groups based on shared experience. One of those seems to be “Bi-Polar Disorder”, which they tell me I have.
Ironically it is that same “they” who suggested medication for my psychologically induced (stress-related) pain. Having overcome migraines, I had moved on to something called Fibromyalgea. Whatever another’s experience may be with these things, for me it included actual observation of the correlation between significant factors, and pain. Let’s just say, the medication they gave me did not work well for me, and today I find myself learning how to live all over again.
The first step is acceptance. How can you expect to appropriately respond to things that are cont only foreign, but are completely mis-represented? Each individual’s experience being unique, perception will follow. You have to start with the truth as it is within your experience, before you can begin to make changes in the experience. Things are what they are.
Sometimes it takes a while to have a clear picture of the way things are. Our experiences will also taint that picture, but each moment, we are responsible for how much we allow ANYTHING to impact our actions and behaviors. Not only must we accept the way things are, but the responsiblity of our perceptions, and our actions.
To this end, I understand that I must learn to accept me as I currently am before I can progress with the changes I want to take place. I have an idea toward the future and an appriciation of the past, but right ow in this moment is all I can control.
This is important to understand for list makers. Lists are a form of control. It is exactly as confined as we make it. Which is where list makers like me have issues. I want to control every moment of my time, because we there is very little else of such value for me. Which is part of my particular psycho.
Every year previously I have completely set myself up for failure. I have wonderful dreams and goals, but they are rarely realistic. This year I thought to try something different. I decided to share this because maybe it would be a good method for some other list maker. Or maybe it will just help someone better understand their own list maker.
This year, instead of starting with detailed schedules and lists, I am creating lists as I go: Instead of scheduling house work from 9 Am to Noon each day, I am making notes of when they actually get done through the day.
Now I do have some lists from which I am working. I think it’s good to keep an available list of priorities, that are expected to change as we experience new things. Maybe this is part of accepting that I need my lists, but it keeps me on track as I work through each day.
So far it has gone rather well in spite of actual trembling at the resistance to physically sit down with a calendar. It helps that I remind myself that next year at this time, I might be able to do just that, but this time, with the confidence that I will be able to keep my schedule; a schedule based on the natural flow of my real life.