Okay – let’s get this straight. If you are over 50 you are not allowed to talk about your health. Now all of those over 50 raise your right hand, that is, if with arthritis and bursitis, you can still raise your hand, and everyone say, “I vow not to talk about my health.”
Now, everyone over 50 try to stand up without making a noise, without your knees cracking or without grabbing your back. Now that you are standing, and I must admit you are a sad looking bunch and you all look a bit unsteady on your feet, everyone also take this vow. “I also vow not to go on and on about any medications and the strange side effects I experienced, like purple urine, because no one CARES!”
Whoops don’t sit down yet. We don’t have another three hours for you to sit down and stand up again. Now repeat after me, “I also vow not to talk about my lack of night vision and how hard it is to drive at night.”
Okay, I know this will take some effort, but let’s raise our right hand one more time. Hey you there, quit whining, just transfer that cane to your left hand and raise your right hand. Now, one more vow, and I know you are getting old, but really try to concentrate and follow me.
“I vow that I am over 50 and I will not tell anyone my memory is slipping ,that I count finding the car keys as a major accomplishment, that I have to pee every two hours, that some days Depends seem like a good idea, that I need tri-focals, I have osteoporosis, halitosis, constant heart burn, and a panic attack every time I feel a slight pain in my chest or my left arm goes numb. I also have hearing loss – do I need to repeat that – hearing loss, insomnia – I’ll let you sleep on that one – stenosis, a bad back, shaky knees, swollen ankles and I can’t hit the curve ball anymore, run the 50 yard dash in under 10 minutes or stay up to watch Jay Leno, not that I could hear him anyway. In short the warranty on my body is wearing out – but, and this is the most important part of the vow – I must realize that NO ONE CARES, because EVERYONE over 50 has the same problems and that is the price I pay for being OVER 50 and the aches and pains beat the alternative.”
Does everyone get that? No one cares about your aches and pains. Anyone under 50 is thinking “Shut up old man, what do you expect you are over 50.” And anyone over 50 probably can’t hear you anyway, so keep your aches and pains to yourself.
And do the younger generation, which in your case is anyone over 40, a favor and quit telling them that you miss Dean Martin, Barney Fife and ten cent cokes. Quit telling them what you were doing on the day Kennedy was shot or how you survived a childhood without video games, computers, cell phones, microwaves or snuggies.
And do not tell anyone the first video game you played was Pong.
NO ONE CARES!!!
You are all dismissed, but if anyone wants to stick around, my elbow has been bothering me lately, my knee throbs in cold weather, I strained my back when I …..
Hey wait, where are you all going? Fine, just remember to turn off your blinker when you finally get home.
And if we find any of you talking about your aches and pains, we will smudge your tri-focals with superglue, hide your hearing aids, and flush your teeth down the toilet. I SAID IF …..