Eva Longoria told People, “Everything in my life is perfect.” Longoria was celebrating her 36th birthday with a bash at the Eve Nightclub in Las Vegas. Give us the scoop, People:
Eva Longoria is anything but desperate. In fact, her life is pretty ideal these days…. Joined by her new beau Eduardo Cruz and a large posse of friends, including Mario Lopez and David Spade, Longoria capped off a week of birthday celebrations in a white sparkling cocktail dress with dinner at her Beso restaurant, followed by a night of dancing at Eve, which was decked out in balloons for the celebration. Sipping Nuvo sparkling liqueur, the Desperate Housewives star cuddled up to Cruz in the VIP section, sneaking a few kisses throughout the night.”
After a messy divorce, Eva Longoria did what Tiger Woods did: she got a new lover. Eduardo Cruz. Eva most likely enjoys crooning “Eduardo, Ed…uar…do.” At least Longoria doesn’t mix her fluids with a non-celebrity like Woods (read about that here), but close, because Ed…uar…do is about as close to being a non-celebrity as one can get. Every day Cruz (who is the younger brother of Penelope Cruz — she is a real celebrity) could lose his celebrity status. He is on that shaky of celebrity ground (read about what makes a Hollywood celebrity)
Eva Longoria, the Desperate Housewives star, gives uneducated Americans an ideal opportunity to see God’s work in action. Longoria is beautiful, radiant. Joy and happiness is streaming from her perfectly tanned skin and bright-shining eyes. Longoria is living in paradise, and she knows it! She has nothing to fear, and she no problems to worry about.
This is because celebrities (like Eva Longoria) are sent from God (if you believe in God — and if you don’t, just look at Eva and you will). Celebrities exude an energy that normal, boring people cannot. If you have that energy and magnetism, you too will become a celebrity. If you don’t have that aura about you, you will never be a celebrity. You will never attract such fame. This is important to recognize, because many people wish to be celebrities who simply cannot ever be. They do not have what it takes.
The Desperate Housewives star is the sum of every sentence in the above paragraph. An abnormal energy. That is Eva. A magnetic aura. That is Longoria. Eva is also an intelligent being. Let’s step away from the physicality of Longoria and ride the wave of her consciousness for a minute. Take it a way People:
“I embrace everything that’s happening. I hold dearly every experience that I have in my life. I regret nothing, so, you know, [I’m] moving on.”
These are not the words from a non-celebrity. These are fantastical and philosophical ideas wrapped up into a couple easy sentences so even the ignorant, non-celebrity Americans can understand. Life is good for celebrities, and you should desperately wish to be one, even though 99.9% of you will never become a celebrity.
What is Eva Longoria moving on from? Divorce, of course! From that dribbler, Tony Parker, who must be respected because he, too, is a celebrity. In Stylelist, Eva said of Parker and the divorce:
“It’s been every time I talk about it, I want to cry. It’s been hard. Very hard. I’m just trying to get through it as gracefully as possible without any drama…. I’m kind of having to find new patterns because I’m not used to having — I’m used to always being on a plane and flying to a basketball game.”
Only God could provide Eva Longoria, and any celebrity for that matter, with such happiness and true love, but when God takes away that true love, our celebrities are left spinning like out of control tops, colorful, but lonely. God has used his fat thumb to brush away the tears from beneath Longoria’s impeccably mascaraed eyelids and life is all better again.
God takes care of his celebrities. Jesus was also a celebrity, but a mega celebrity. Eva Longoria is nowhere near the Jesus level of celebrity. Marilyn Monroe and JFK were close to Jesus’ status.
On another note, Eva is living it up after her divorce because she knows all celebrities will be whisked to Heaven on May 21, 2011.
Another couple celebrating divorce is Bradley Cooper and Renee Zellweger, but they are used to it.