Since the show began in 2003, Conchata Ferrell has brought the character of Berta on “Two and a Half Men” to life. The character of Berta is one that Ferrell has perfected. When you are listening to the conversations between Berta and either Alan or Charlie, you cannot help but bust a gut laughing. Sometimes the things that come out of Berta’s mouth are both crude and snarky, but fans would not have it any other way. These are some of the best quotes from Berta the housekeeper on “Two and a Half Men”.
These two quotes come from episode 18, season 1 titled “An Old Flame with a New Wick”. This is the episode where Charlie is going to meet an old girlfriend Jill. It turns out that Jill had a sex change and is now a man called Bill. Evelyn and Bill hit it off and start to casually date.
Charlie: I got a little e-mail this morning from an old girlfriend who says she needs to “see me.”
Berta: No kidding? I wonder if she’s “knocked up.”
Charlie: Nobody’s knocked up. I haven’t heard from her in four years.
Berta: So she’s bringing you a three-year-old.
Alan: One of us has to tell her.
Berta: I’ll clean your house free for an entire month if you let me do it!
This quote comes from episode 7, season 4 titled “Repeated Blows to His Unformed Head”. In this episode Berta’s daughter Naomi is introduced to Alan and Charlie.
Berta: Charlie, Alan, I’d like you to meet my youngest daughter, Naomi, the light of my life. A little angel who swooped down from heaven and landed on a married man’s penis.
This next one is from episode 16, season 3 titled “Ergo, the Booty Call”. This is the episode where Jake’s birthday party is being held at Charlie’s house. Alan had spent the night with his new younger girlfriend Candy, and was trying to convince her not to come to Jake’s party with him. During the party, Jake locks himself in the bathroom because he mistakenly took some Viagra instead of a vitamin. When Judith (his mother) and the rest of the group go to check on him, this is what is said.
Judith: What’s going on? I don’t understand.
Berta: The kid’s gonna need another party hat.
This last quote is from episode 14, season 4 titled “That’s Summer Sausage, Not Salami”. This is the episode where Brooke Shields guest stars as Charlie and Alan’s new neighbor. After Charlie talks to Danielle (Shields) and gets to know a little bit about her, he decides to set Alan up with her. This is the conversation Berta and Charlie have about it.
Berta: Walk me through this again. She’s beautiful, rich, divorced, and you want to hand her off to Zippy-the-Chimp?
Charlie: Ok, follow my reasoning here. This is a woman looking to settle down. If I sleep with her, I’m happy for one night. But, if I teach my brother to sleep with her, he falls in love, asks her to marry him, moves out, and I’m happy for the rest of my life.