The following are some of the best quotes from Timothy McGee, played by Sean Murray, on NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service.
Ziva David: [Referring to Tony] Is he always this juvenile?
Timothy McGee: Only on the days of the week ending with the word “day.”
Ziva David: There’s nothing good on the Internet anymore.
Timothy McGee: Yeah, I think that Internet thing has just about run its course.
Abby Sciuto: What self-respecting drug dealer cuts his cocaine with potassium cyanide?
Timothy McGee: Obviously, one who doesn’t care about repeat business.
Jackson Gibbs: Does he ever talk about me, my boy?
Timothy McGee: I think I heard him refer to you once as dead.
Timothy McGee: Boss, he just said “Your mother has a smooth forehead.” It’s a Klingon insult.
Anthony DiNozzo: You speak Klingon?
Timothy McGee: Not fluently, but yes.
Anthony DiNozzo: Gotta give you some lady advice.
Timothy McGee: Rather get a lap dance from a nun, Tony.
Timothy McGee: Is there a reason you’re gearing up?
Anthony DiNozzo: What’s my motto, McGee?
Timothy McGee: Never date a woman that eats more than you do.
Anthony DiNozzo: Do you know how many people are killed by bears in America every year?
Ziva David: No, but I can’t imagine it’s a lot.
Anthony DiNozzo: You’d be surprised.
Ziva David: McGee?
Timothy McGee: I think it’s about 1.
Anthony DiNozzo: McGee and I watched the sunrise together. It was very Brokeback Mountain.
Timothy McGee: He had me at “Howdy.”
[Looking at a body in a duffel bag]
Timothy McGee: The seam split. I can’t believe it.
Ziva David: I know. Discarded like a piece of trash.
Timothy McGee: No, I meant the duffel bag. I just bought the same one. I should have listened to the reviews. They said the seams were a problem.
Ziva David: McGee, the man is folded in half!
Timothy McGee: I know. No, that is – that’s a shame, too. Maybe I’ve been doing this too long.
[Harvey the security guard grabs a taser out of his holster]
Anthony DiNozzo: That’s a taser, Harvey.
Ziva David: You only have one shot, non-fatal.
Timothy McGee: There are five of us.
Timothy McGee: You know maybe you should expand the list, just to include people that just hate you.
Anthony DiNozzo: Hate me? Nobody hates me.
Timothy McGee: Paula Cassidy.
Anthony DiNozzo: Don’t go there! People like me. I’m a nice guy!
Timothy McGee: What about the, ah, woman that posted your picture on the herpes-alert website?
Jethro Gibbs: [Looking for information on a case] And?
Anthony DiNozzo: And we – we can’t find it. Uh, but we’re not going to give up until we do.
Timothy McGee: Or die trying.
[Gibbs walks away]
Anthony DiNozzo: “Or die trying!”? You had to put that in his head?
[McGee is hacking into a website]
Jethro Gibbs: How long is this going to take?
Timothy McGee: Wha… there’s a number of different variables – code complexity, accuracy of the logs, software…
Jethro Gibbs: You have one hour.
Timothy McGee: Or… one hour.
Timothy McGee: First thing, we have to find the murder weapon. I’m going to have to frisk you.
Suspect: Frisk who?
Timothy McGee: All of you…
Timothy McGee: Who wants to go first…?
Timothy McGee: So much for cooperation.
[Abby punches McGee’s arm]
Timothy McGee: What was that for?
Abby Sciuto: For mocking my groundbreaking police work.
Timothy McGee: I wasn’t mocking your –
[Abby makes a fist]
Timothy McGee: It won’t happen again.
[McGee walks in on Abby just as she is finishing changing her clothes]
Abby Sciuto: See something you like, McGee?
Timothy McGee: No!
[Abby gives him a look]
Timothy McGee: I mean, yes.
Abby Sciuto: Better.
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