The following are some of the best quotes from Dr. Donald ‘Ducky’ Mallard, played by David McCallum, on NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service.
Anthony DiNozzo: Hired by who?
Dr. Donald Mallard: Whom, Tony. Who is the nominative case. Whom always follows a preposition.
Anthony DiNozzo: Traffic bad?
Dr. Donald Mallard: Dreadful.
[Dr. Mallard is examining a corpose]
Dr. Donald Mallard: I’ll have to research the predatory, manipulative, grandiose nature of this behavior, but my first impression is that we’re dealing with a complete loon.
Dr. Donald Mallard: I thought I’d show her something that revealed who I am. If she gets turned on, we haven’t wasted our time.
Abby Sciuto: You’re the man, Ducky… Why can’t I find a man like you?
Dr. Donald Mallard: Well, if this doesn’t work out, I am available.
[In reference to Dr. Mallard talking to corpses]
Jimmy Palmer: Does it help you to – talk to them?
Dr. Donald Mallard: Well, they’re still human. But what we do is so invasive, and impersonal. It helps me to establish a relationship.
Jethro Gibbs: I didn’t come down here to get my head shrunk.
Dr. Donald Mallard: Why did you come down here?
Jethro Gibbs: Just killing time.
Dr. Donald Mallard: Would you like me to perform an autopsy on your watch?
Victoria Mallard: You may not believe this, but Donald was the cutest little child! He had long, curly blond hair, everyone thought he was a girl until he was twelve… When his voice changed.
Dr. Donald Mallard: Mr. Palmer, will you please chain my mother to the chair while I tell Agent Gibbs what I’ve found?
Roy Sanders: Table’s cold.
Dr. Donald Mallard: None of my other patients ever complained.
Roy Sanders: Sorry, thought it might be nice for you to have someone to talk to for a change.
Dr. Donald Mallard: Oh, I always talk to my guests. The difference here, is you talk back.
Jenny Shepard: Death was most likely caused by…?
Dr. Donald Mallard: Miocardial Infarction. Brought on by a combination of a high-fat western diet and the mistaken belief he could run up all those stairs.
Jethro Gibbs: Accidental overdose, Duck?
Dr. Donald Mallard: I doubt it. She had enough PCP in her system to kill a small water buffalo.
Jethro Gibbs: Water buffalo?
Dr. Donald Mallard: I tire of saying “small horse.”
Dr. Donald Mallard: You know Abby, sometimes the dead make more sense to me than the living.
[After capturing several Holloween trick or treaters commiting vandalism]
Anthony DiNozzo: Nice work, Palmer.
Jimmy Palmer: Oh, it wasn’t me, Tony. Dr. Mallard chased them for three blocks.
Dr. Donald Mallard: Oh, please. It’s not that impressive. It’s not as if they were real ninjas.
Jimmy Palmer: I’ll bet Tony made some unseemly comment about these legs, didn’t he?
Dr. Donald Mallard: Why would he do that, Mr. Palmer?
Jimmy Palmer: I just mean, uh, knowing Tony – They’re fairly shapely legs, Doctor.
Dr. Donald Mallard: Yes. Nobody had the bad taste to verbalize such a thought, until now.
[Arriving to investigate a death that occurred at the NCIS office]
Dr. Donald Mallard: I’ve been traveling to crime scenes for a great many years, but I can say with complete confidence this is the shortest commute I have ever had.
Jimmy Palmer: And one of the first times I didn’t get us lost.
Dr. Donald Mallard: True.
Dr. Donald Mallard: Where did you learn crime scene procedure? Watching Kojak reruns?
[After Jimmy explains having excessive itching after playing in sand.]
Dr. Donald Mallard: Well it wasn’t the sand, Mr. Palmer, but the sand mite.
Jimmy Palmer: Sand might what?
Dr. Donald Mallard: The sand mite bit you.
Jimmy Palmer: Sand bites?
Dr. Donald Mallard: Well, sand mites might bite.
Jimmy Palmer: I’m grammatically lost.
Dr. Donald Mallard: But medically found.
Jethro Gibbs: Always suspect the spouse.
Dr. Donald Mallard: Speaking from personal experience, Jethro?
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