The following are some of the best quotes from Anthony DiNozzo, played by Michael Weatherly, on NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service.
Ziva David: You have to tell him the truth!
Anthony DiNozzo: Maybe. Not until I’m absolutely sure lying won’t work.
Ziva David: Test results come back already?
Anthony DiNozzo: Yes, I’m pregnant. McGee’s gonna be very proud.
Jethro Gibbs: Never had a cold.
Caitlin Todd: Never had a cold?
Jethro Gibbs: Never had the flu, either.
Caitlin Todd: Why do I believe him?
Anthony DiNozzo: If you were a bug, would you attack Gibbs?
Anthony DiNozzo: This is the pirated part of the console we have to find.
Ziva David: Twenty million for that?
Anthony DiNozzo: Size isn’t everything… Forget I even stupidly started to say that.
Saleem Ulman: Got my B.S. from Yale University.
Anthony DiNozzo: Yale? Got my B.S. on the streets.
Anthony DiNozzo: Are we fighting?
Ziva David: If we were, you would be on the floor. Bleeding.
Anthony DiNozzo: Okay, I accept that as a likely outcome. So you’re just annoyed with me?
Ziva David: Do any of your ideas come from reality?
Anthony DiNozzo: Sure. Just not your reality.
[Describing the “Bootcamp Babes” show]
Anthony DiNozzo: Three hot, young babes learning what’s really important in life.
Ziva David: Defending their country?
Anthony DiNozzo: No. Firing machine guns while wearing bikinis.
Ziva David: What do you know about the American Dream?
Anthony DiNozzo: Let’s see: I’m a white male, age 18-49, I have a loud mouth and a gun… I AM the American Dream.
Timothy McGee: The camera must’ve added about ten pounds to me.
Anthony DiNozzo: Actually, that was your refrigerator, Probie.
Ziva David: [Viciously kicking the photocopier] Die, you stupid machine!
Timothy McGee: She seems unfazed.
Anthony DiNozzo: Those are standard Mossad-style, copy-machine assault tactics, McGee.
Anthony DiNozzo: Did you know that Sahara in Arabic is desert. So the Sahara Desert means Desert Desert. That’s a lot of sand.
Lieutenant Robert Deckard: What is your clearance?
Anthony DiNozzo: About 6 feet 1 and a half. Why, you got low ceilings?
Anthony DiNozzo: No one’s gonna think less of you if you want out Palmer.
Jimmy Palmer: Really?
Anthony DiNozzo: Well no. They probably would… at least I know I would.
Jethro Gibbs: Hey, DiNozzo, kinda reminds me of your apartment. ‘Cept for that minty fresh urine smell.
Anthony DiNozzo: For your information, I have a maid now.
Jethro Gibbs: You can afford a maid?
Anthony DiNozzo: It’s amazing what you can do when you don’t have to pay three alimonies.
Timothy McGee: Alan Sandich’s fiancee is back in town.
Anthony DiNozzo: And she’s already re-engaged. Does that remind you of anyone Boss?
Jethro Gibbs: How long are you going to keep making those jokes.
Anthony DiNozzo: I think that was actually the last time I’m ever going to make that joke. Sorry.
Timothy McGee: [Reading a note] “Paid a Private Investigator to follow my wife. Just thought you should know what he found.”
Anthony DiNozzo: The other husband how kind of him. What did they say?
Jethro Gibbs: Misery loves company.
Anthony DiNozzo: Where did you get that? Your fourth wife?
Anthony DiNozzo: Supermodels date guys who look like George Clooney, or have George Clooney’s bank account, or of course the actual George Clooney.
Caitlin Todd: You were a boy scout?
Anthony DiNozzo: Cub.
Caitlin Todd: What did they kick you out for?
Anthony DiNozzo: Trying to score Brownie points.
Dr. Donald Mallard: Mother, may I present Caitlin? She works with Tony.
[Mrs. Mallard spits at Kate]
Dr. Donald Mallard: Mother! We talked about this! Caitlin is here to protect us.
Victoria Mallard: Show me your knickers!
Caitlin Todd: Uh… ma’am?
Victoria Mallard: Underwear, missy! One can always tell a woman’s intention from her panties.
Anthony DiNozzo: That’s always been my philosophy.
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“Agent Ziva David Quotes”, IMDB
“Special Agent Jethro Gibbs”, IMDB
“Special Agent Timothy McGee”, IMDB
“Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo”, IMDB
“Agent Caitlin Todd Quotes”, IMDB
“Dr. Donald ‘Ducky’ Mallard”, IMDB
“Abby Scuito Quotes”, IMDB