The following are some of the best quotes from Abby Sciuto, played by Pauley Perrette, on NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service.
Ziva David: We think whoever set up the crime scene might be after Abby.
Abby Sciuto: [chuckles] Me? Who’d want to kill me? I mean, Tony I understand, but…
Anthony DiNozzo: Hey!
Abby Sciuto: Rough night?
Ziva David: Is there any other kind with Gibbs?
Abby Sciuto: It could be worse. It could be Saturday.
Ziva David: It is Saturday, Abby.
Abby Sciuto: See? It just got worse. Thanks.
Abby Sciuto: This is not my toothbrush.
Timothy McGee: Then I must have bought a second one and forgot about it.
Abby Sciuto: It’s a ladybug tooth brush, McGee. It’s for cute girls named Gina Marie that bake cookies and wear J Lo Glow, not for a quasi-manly Federal agent who carries a gun.
Timothy McGee: Do you want to use it or not?
Abby Sciuto: An anonymous toothbrush? I would rather remove my own tonsils with Typhoid Mary’s straight razor.
Timothy McGee: I could not imagine a worse way to go.
Abby Sciuto: I could.
Timothy McGee: She planted herself on a barbed wire fence. What could possibly be worse?
Abby Sciuto: My top three are: falling in a wood chipper, drowning in lava, and being eaten by a shark.
[McGee has a rash covering half his face]
Timothy McGee: So… honestly, how do I look?
Abby Sciuto: Um, do you want the truth, or do you want me to lie to you to ease the burden of your own self-loathing?
Timothy McGee: I’d prefer the lie.
Abby Sciuto: Me, too.
Abby Sciuto: Know what bugs me most, McGee?
Timothy McGee: People who say they’re vegetarians but eat chicken.
Abby Sciuto: Yes. But you know what also bugs me the most?
Timothy McGee: People who mishandle evidence.
Timothy McGee: Now all we have to do is scan 800,000 miles of satellite imagery and pray we get lucky.
Abby Sciuto: I am a scientist, McGee. Luck has nothing to do with it and/or us.
Timothy McGee: Okay, then how do you explain something like Gibbs’s gut?
Abby Sciuto: Well, that’s easy: Gibbs is lucky.
Timothy McGee: But… but you just said that…
Abby Sciuto: He’s not a scientist.
Anthony DiNozzo: A train track?
Abby Sciuto: Yes that would be the obvious choice. But there isn’t a second “thunk” or a “thack” not even a “thock” in that track.
Anthony DiNozzo: You’ve been reading a lot of Dr. Seuss books?
Abby Sciuto: You know I love me some Theodore Geisel.
Abby Sciuto: Is Agent McGee cute?
Anthony DiNozzo: Can a guy be cute to you without body art?
Abby Sciuto: Sure… I’m not a snob.
Abby Sciuto: This guy had huge feet. You could wear this sock as a leg warmer.
Dr. Donald Mallard: What are you implying, Abby?
Abby Sciuto: I’m not implying anything. But you know what they say about guys with big hands and big feet, right?
Dr. Donald Mallard: What?
Abby Sciuto: They’re clowns.
Dr. Donald Mallard: Abby, I’m surprised. I had you pegged for more the anarchist type.
Abby Sciuto: Actually, I used to be an anarchist.
Dr. Donald Mallard: What happened?
Abby Sciuto: Too many rules.
Abby Sciuto: The car that hit Gordon was definitely a Taurus.
Jethro Gibbs: You’re positive?
Abby Sciuto: Absolutely… unless it was a Mercury Sable.
Abby Sciuto: I dunno. Guys have all kinds of strange rituals before they go out. This one guy, he does a full upper body workout just seconds before his date so he can be all pumped.
Jethro Gibbs: Does Tony know that you know?
Abby Sciuto: Does Tony know that YOU know?
Abby Sciuto: What is Abby’s rule #1? Do not lie to Abby!
Jethro Gibbs: Balistics on the bullet?
Abby Sciuto: It’s a mangled useless chuck of lead. Well actually only the core is lead because the jacket is 95% copper and 5% zinc but you already knew that.
Abby Sciuto: You went to see Ducky before you came to see me!
Jethro Gibbs: Is there some kind of priority here I don’t know about?
Abby Sciuto: A girl likes to be thought of first.
Jethro Gibbs: Give me some good news, Abby.
Abby Sciuto: I’m not pregnant.
Jethro Gibbs: [as Abby works on her Mass Spectrometer] Broken?
Abby Sciuto: Does a baby change its own diapers? Nay. Does it burp and feed itself? I don’t think so. It takes a lot of TLC to keep my children happy and fully functioning in the Lab of Abby or Labby as I like to call it.
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“Agent Ziva David Quotes”, IMDB
“Special Agent Jethro Gibbs”, IMDB
“Special Agent Timothy McGee”, IMDB
“Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo”, IMDB
“Agent Caitlin Todd Quotes”, IMDB
“Dr. Donald ‘Ducky’ Mallard”, IMDB
“Abby Scuito Quotes”, IMDB