Dear Mr. and Mrs. Jones,
In light of the recent addition to your family, I feel congratulations are in order, not only now but future additions also because this quite assures me of repetitious repair work on your washer and dryer. As you probably already know I run a fully comprehensive and able repair service, catering to the needs of all parents with diapered children. Since congrats are in order, I feel a special price on repair service should be extended to you at this time.
Since our prices run considerably high, and our special deals cannot be extended, we feel that we
can extend to you , at this time, if you will call us within 24 hrs., of the date of this letter, a $75.00 first
charge for the first 10 minutes, excluding parts, of course! We also extend to you, a same day service,
when you call, for a mere $20.00 extra. Of course if our tools are used and not yours, we will add a nominal fee, of no more than $10.00. To top these super terrific specials, we feel that the machines we are called on to repair should be in top working order, when we leave. This is our guarantee- Because we cannot super-
vise the operation of any appliance, after repairs, you understand that our guarantee doesn’t apply after our
leaving. But of course, you can get a repairman back anytime since you know you are a preferred customer.
This super deal cannot be extended, we repeat, cannot be extended unless of course you call us and we can get to you that same day. Please do not be embarrassed to take advantage of us, since we feel that this special and others like these (soon to come, you will be notified) will make us profit and more important, make good customers of you in the long run.
If you are economy minded and would like to save even more, there is an extra bonus if you act now. Just load your machine and bring it in to us and we will be glad to repair it for only $12.50 more. This has very long range benefits to you that is just one more of our budget cutting services. ( No repairman to trod down your carpet–you don’t use your water for checking the machine—no waiting on repairmen all day and you can be assured that with our specialized equipment we will spot any other parts that may be on the verge of failure…etc.)
Since most people are wary of first time deals, we will be sending our specially trained mechanic only on these special deals. Not only has he been specially trained by the finest schools in the world (U.S. Army Tank Corp.) but he has been given the nick name of “Haywire” because as he puts it when he repaired the tanks in his division, “Anything can be fixed with Haywire. Besides being humorous, he is handicapped, having lost both arms while trying to tie down a tread of a moving tank. We here at Action believe in hiring the handicapped although our assistant mechanics helper is not
handicapped, he has had may weeks experience answering the telephone and is familiar with all our standard telephone greetings.
We ask you to feel free to call any references you wish, however in order to save you time for such needless action, we won’t include any such references.
If you happen to need service at night and after regular hours, and this does happen with “little ones” feel free to call our night number, which is unusual to have a number one thousand miles away, but in keeping with our policy of quick service we feel that if any calls come in from Hackensack we will be on top of it, and since the number is Haywires mother (an invalid and shut-in) we know the phone will be answered almost immediately. (She has a barking dog that leads her to the phone).
As an extra added bonus (we’re not through yet) if our service men deem your machine un-repairable, we will allow you, no questions asked, 300.00 for your old machine (irregardless of its condition) in trade on one of our completely rebuilt 800.00 models, rebuilt under the supervision of no one but Haywire himself!! This machine is guaranteed for as long as you own it (some customers have sold theirs) against any Hail damage, flooding, collision with any moving vehicle, vandalism or even for an unlikely thing as an earthquake! Think of it, how many companies do you know that provides this kind of personalized service. We believe this is important!
And you can have this machine with this kind of coverage for only a fraction of what mere groceries cost you a year. If you’re still not convinced we will include a years supply of washing powder for just the cost of the powder (and delivery with a small service charge) for your approval and if you decide not to want the whole years supply, simply return the box you receive every month (plus the cost of the powder and a 2.00 service charge) and you are under no more obligation. We want to be fair! If your words right now are “unbelievable” and “I can’t believe it” we understand!
As a matter of fact we have already put you down for our new periodical which we call “MONDAY MORNING BLUES”. Yes, wash away your problems with this factual report on all your clothes washing problems. And it’s free, yes absolutely free! FREE! FREE! FREE! All we ask is 5.00 to help defray costs and expenses for this important information (+18.00 per month in case we ever decide to go “Full color”. Your bill is enclosed. Don’t forget to send a stamped envelope pre-addressed so we can get it right to you by our first edition in a few months. If you decide not to keep up your subscription feel free to cancel it , just simply send your 18.00 as usual every month but with one important difference call and inform us that you don’t want the subscription anymore and it will be promptly stopped within 6 months or less although there is a small fee for sending it during the months after your cancellation.
Many happy wash days to you!
P.S. We still have another free, free gift for you. Please call me to find out what it is. You will be even more surprised.