Work is for the birds. You’re not a bird, are you? Birds can’t read.
1. Sue Somebody
“Accidentally” slip on somebody’s property. Throw yourself in front of a moving Lexus. Deliberately disobey any sign with the word(s) Caution, Warning, or Beware. Just be sure to remove and dispose of the sign first, so you can say it was never there.
2. Amputate One or More Limbs
Amputation is an excellent way to collect disability. And(!) if you make it look like an accident in the workplace, you can perform #1! Come on, what do you have to lose?
3. Win the Lottery
You’re chances are slim, but somebody has to be that one in a million. Increase your chances by buying more than one ticket!
4. Rob a Mint
It may take some careful planning and Tom Cruise/Mission: Impossible-like skills, but if there’s one thing I learned from television and the Mission: Impossible movies, nothing is impossible.
5. Pretend to be Homeless
Okay, this one takes a little bit of work; and by “work” I mean sitting on your butt in an area of high foot-traffic. You may also have to jiggle a cup with some spare change. I’m not going to lie, there’s not a big return on this one.
6. Marry and Divorce/Kill a Rich Person
There are several key elements to this one: If you plan on divorcing your rich spouse, be sure to NOT sign a pre-nup. If you plan on killing your rich spouse, 1) make sure you don’t get caught; and 2) make sure you’re in the will. You may want to take out their next of kin as well, to ensure maximum inheritance.
Kidnap a millionaire’s child. Obtain or create a sex-tape. Threats are power!
8. Act like an Idiot on MTV.
There are many networks that air brainless reality television programs; and, in the process, give celebrity status to the undeserving morons on the said reality shows. These networks (especially MTV- network zero), as socially irresponsible as they may be, pay big bucks to people willing to humiliate themselves. Because that’s entertainment!
9. Scam the Elderly
I don’t know of any specific scams, but I do know they’re out there and they are easily used on the elderly. Why the elderly? Because they’re senile and gullible. They won’t remember being scammed and they’re headed towards the grave anyway. So who cares?
10. Start a religious cult
Act as a messiah, raise funds for “the cause”, and skip town. God, if he does exist, will thank you for teaching those who act on faith alone a lesson.
In closing, if you have done any of these things and have made a large profit, be sure to invest in Vandelay Industries, the hottest new company on the market. If you are considering doing any of these things in the future, consider suicide first.