Hey, prince, we’re glad you’re getting married at last. Congratulations and all that. But before you do, consider the following mistakes your own dad made while still married to your highly popular and still-missed mom:
1. Don’t be jealous/envious of your wife’s popularity
Once upon a time, nearly 30 years ago, a prince married an aristocratic 20-year old who was a little “thick”. His mistress approved his choice, thinking she can easily manipulate the girl because she’s young and wet behind the ears. But the unthinkable happened. The girl became an overnight sensation. Not only a sensation but the kind where legend and myth collude to produce a phenomenon bigger and brighter than the Beatles and Jackie Kennedy Onassis combined. The prince and his mistress were stunned. The prince realizes, to his immense horror, that his star is fading while his wife continues to shine. Thus, the seed of envy and jealousy was born. The prince started behaving like a petulant jackass, mocking his wife and even allowing his circle to question her sanity. Blinded by jealousy and envy, the prince ruined his reputation, never admitting even to himself that a popular and accomplished wife is an asset politically and socially, especially if you’re desperate to be king.
2. Don’t sulk when a little girl asks you to hand a bunch of flowers to your glad-handing wife
Okay, you’re out in the street glad-handing a large and appreciative crowd. Your wife breaks out of protocol and goes on the other side to talk with admirers and fans. A little girl from your side of the street comes up to you with a bunch of flowers and asks you to, pretty, please, give the bouquet to your lovely wife. You suddenly feel anger and resentment . I’m not her maid, you cow, you wanted to scream and holler at the poor thing. Don’t. Even when it’s a basket of fruits being handed you to give to your wife, don’t. Smile and be gracious and be happy that your wife is a wonderful woman who gives credit not only to you personally but also to the illustrious name you carry.
3. Don’t authorize an autobiography where you blame your parents for your disappointments and failures
We’ve all done that, one time or another. Blame someone for our failures, especially our parents. They’re cold and distant, blah blah blah. But when you’re in your 40s, and your marriage is in shambles and your wife bigger in popular demand than you could ever be, don’t you think it’s a little unwise to blame them for your misery and envy? Then you write down all your anger and resentment in an authorized biography hoping to generate enough sympathy for your suffering, and unsurprisingly, since you were already caught doing it, your long-term adultery. Uncool, dude. Pretty uncool.
4. Don’t seem too eager to be king
You look around and see your other royal contemporaries like the King of Jordan and the Sultan of Brunei seated on their thrones, enjoying the power and prestige that go with such immense offices. And you look at yourself, now in your 60s, still waiting for your mom to die so you can take over and show people how truly great you are. And you attend the funeral of your former father-in-law and you said to his son, your ex brod-in-law: “how lucky you are to come to the title at a young age.” Duh. Not only is the comment tasteless but it reveals a most profound desperation, which is not only uncool but kinda pathetic as well.
5. Don’t talk to plants
Remember, Wills, talking to plants does not qualify as a sport. Even if you have a degree in horticulture, do not talk to plants, especially if you come to the title Prince of Wales . Not only does it make you look like a sissy, it’s plain silly, too. Anyway, how many princes do you know that talks and recites poetry to his plants? It’s a mind-boggling concept, isn’t it? Caligula makes his horse an emperor, Henry VIII breaks off with the Catholic Church, while the Prince of Wales coos and tickles a Venus flytrap. Outstanding!
6. Don’t hang around with your married friends’ lazy, fat wives . Cultivate the company of powerful and influential men instead.
Hang around with them if they have long limbs, have great bumpers and can kick high like the dancers in Vegas. It’s every man’s fantasy, actually, like Mel Gibson in the movie, What Women Want . But if you start including them in your circle and start asking them for advice, you’re not only digging your own grave, you’re also in danger of not getting the right perspective about certain things. (See number 3 item in this list.) If you must hang out, do it with successful men like David Beckham, Bruce Willis, Jay Z, Brad Pitt, Will Smith, Bono, Mark Zuckerberg, Bill Gates, William Buffett, and Clive Owen. Men to void: Tiger Woods, Jesse James, John Edwards, and Tom Cruise.
7. Don’t blab about your wife to your mistress
Okay, your marriage is not going great. Your wife is more popular than you and seems to be at ease moving in the world stage. You’re left alone, you, the heir to the throne, nursing a huge resentment. So, you turn to your mistress for comfort and to complain about your wife. You tell her what a loony your wife is for discussing social concerns over coffee with Michelle Obama. What does she know, right? Sure, she has a college education but her major was art, for god’s sake. If there’s anyone Michelle should be asking about those matters, it should be you because you’re the future king, right? Calm down and relax. For further reference, go back to the number one item on this list.
8. Avoid having a mistress, especially if she looks like a horse
Sure, one of the good things about being heir to the throne is that you can have any woman you want. From Timbuktu to the Netherlands, your title alone is enough currency for women to fall on their backs with their knees apart. It’s part of the territory. It’s a dirty job, but somebody’s got to do it, right? But if you can avoid it, do so. But if you can’t avoid it then don’t justify it with a “do you want me to be the only Prince of Wales not to have a mistress” rant either. And remember, there are rules. One, don’t do it with a tattoo artist, a working girl, or someone who looks like your horse, your cow, or your chair. For further lessons, again refer to the number 3 item on this list.
9. If you must have a mistress, do not engage in phone sex with her, ever
A lot has happened technologically and electronically since the last time your dad talked about spending the rest of his life as a tampon inside Camilla’s unwashed doodah. It’s easier to get caught now, especially if you’re famous. Also, don’t be like Tiger Woods and leave any incriminating messages or wacky pictures in your mistress’ cellphone. And please remember that however much we like and appreciate you personally, we appreciate it more if we do not see your naked backside plastered as wall photos in your mistress’ Twitter or Facebook accounts.
10. If you must have a mistress, make sure her name doesn’t end with a Keppel, Shand or a Parker Bowles
We know that Camilla’s great accomplishment as willing love hump to the Prince of Wales goes back to her great-grandmother, the 19th century courtesan Alice Keppel. But isn’t it time the honor goes to another lucky family instead? Surely, the British Army has lots of impoverished officers who are more than willing to lay their wives, like Andrew Parker Bowles did, for their country? It seems only fair, don’t you think? Spread the royal favor more widely and conscientiously and all that. Also, if you bed another woman other than a Keppel, Shand or Parker Bowles, you’ll be dealing with less bad publicity and public rancor in the long-term. Got it? Right ho then.